Listening w/ Your Heart; How to Really Understand Others

Unlock the transformative power of "vicarious introspection" in therapy and relationships.

In this insightful episode, we delve into the art of therapy, exploring how therapists like Heinz Kohut emphasize the importance of accurate empathy. We discuss why understanding others on a deeper level is crucial for change and healing. Through compelling anecdotes and professional insights, discover how meeting clients where they are can lead to profound growth over time.

Key Takeaways:
- Understand "accurate empathy" as a tool to connect deeply with others.
- Learn about vicarious introspection: imagining life through another's eyes.
- Discover strategies for fostering genuine connections in any relationship.

Tune in now to explore these powerful concepts that could revolutionize your approach to understanding those around you!

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Good morning. I hope this podcast finds you well. A thought that I had this morning, the first thought when I woke up, was about the art of therapy. There really is an art to what a therapist tries to do on a daily basis. As I was thinking of my day and reflecting on my week—the number of clients I'm seeing and the different issues they present—I realized that in order to be an effective therapist, or in any relationship for that matter, one must consider the ideas of an obscure therapist named Heinz Kohut, who developed something called self psychology. He talks about this term: accurate empathy. 

Accurate empathy means truly being able to meet a person where they are at. That is not an easy thing to do because it requires understanding that if a person isn't ready to hear something, it's not worth pushing for it. Even when someone comes asking for help, they already know they need help and are aware of some things they can do. The problem is that they can't do them. Until a person has the experience of feeling understood—truly understood—they will remain stuck and unable to move forward. Meeting each individual where they are at is such a delicate dance; there’s no one way to do things, as relationships are always changing.

As a general rule, the clients I see week after week struggle with the same issues, and it’s extremely challenging for them to change. Change is often almost imperceptible, but over time, you notice that some people do grow and develop. They actually complete the assignments given to them if they first feel understood. There’s something profound about this concept of accurate empathy. Kohut describes it as vicarious introspection—an interesting term indeed.

In other words, when I'm meeting with a client, I cannot possibly know 100% what it's like to be that person; I can't know because I'm not them. Vicarious introspection asks us to consider: What is it like to be them? It’s not about imagining what it would be like for me in their circumstance; there’s a significant difference there. For example, two people might have attended the same university and bond over seeing a sticker on their car for their alma mater, but in reality, they may have had entirely different experiences at that school.

It’s easy to jump to assumptions about what another person is thinking or feeling based on our own experiences. However, I've found that the most powerful thing in any relationship is making the effort to truly understand what it's like for another person. This can be challenging because we must set aside our own judgments and projections—especially when it relates to our children. If your children aren’t growing up and doing exactly what you taught them or modeled for them as they're finding their own way, it can be difficult.

Vicarious introspection involves asking questions and paying attention to responses. One thing I've noticed about those who come to therapy is that even in this therapeutic relationship—where someone pays for help because they're struggling with anxiety, depression, addictions, or deep secrets—they often test whether they feel comfortable or safe around me. They wonder if I will truly understand them or judge them harshly based on what they reveal.

A core issue with addiction is the fear that if someone really knew their struggles—those deep-down secrets—they would reject them. There's a saying in the addiction field: "You're only as sick as your secrets." Through my years of working with individuals facing these personal challenges, I've never felt frustrated or disappointed by someone who opens up about their struggles; rather, I admire their courage.

Until someone is willing to lay everything on the table, true work cannot begin. Some things take time; there are many theories out there regarding therapy techniques such as EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and accelerated resolution therapy which can lead to quick changes for some clients—but sometimes progress just doesn't happen quickly.

I remember working with an incest survivor for eight years until she reached a point where she could be in a room with other men besides myself and go on dates or get a job. That transformation took time because her early experiences had deeply affected her psyche. My role was essentially modeling a healthy adult—a safe male presence—because she hadn't had that experience before.

During our first few sessions together, she didn’t say anything at all; she just shook her head when asked questions and avoided eye contact while sitting facing the door. The art of therapy constantly reminds me that meeting people where they are at is crucial; forcing change doesn’t work.

I simply sat there with her during those sessions; I needed her survival brain—the limbic system—to feel safe enough just being present with me without any pressure to speak or share immediately. For her, all men were potentially threatening due to past trauma.

After several sessions of silence between us, she began mumbling responses little by little as I continued meeting her where she was at emotionally. Accurate empathy means being able as a therapist—and in any relationship—to ask yourself: What is it like for this other person right now? How can I help them in their journey?

People seek understanding: “Please hear me; please validate me; please accept me for who I am.” They want help figuring out how to change certain things in their lives while knowing their difficulties already exist.

As I think about my clients—and why therapy can sometimes be exhausting—I realize every client brings something different: relationship issues, addiction struggles, anxiety, or deeper mental health conditions such as schizophrenia or borderline personality disorder (BPD). 

One particular client diagnosed with BPD possesses external beauty and articulation but has difficulty maintaining intimate relationships due to complex character traits inherent in BPD individuals. Interacting with her can be challenging; despite engaging conversations filled with feedback and reflective questions aimed at drawing out her feelings and thoughts from within clouds of confusion, there comes moments when it's hard not just disliking being around her.

If you have someone with borderline personality traits in your life—whether professionally or personally—it may be wise to learn how best to protect yourself by setting boundaries while realizing you likely won’t change them but rather accept their quirks as part of who they are.

Navigating life alongside someone who has BPD can feel overwhelming; closeness may lead you feeling unsettled or even crazy due to their influence on your emotional state over time.

In conclusion—and apologies for rambling—I want you all to remember that every single person needs something different from you whether you're interacting within familial ties or friendships outside those boundaries built upon shared experiences together versus imagined ones based solely off your interpretations alone.

Accurate empathy boils down again into pondering these words: vicarious introspection! Ask yourself: What might it feel like being this other person? Not simply projecting your experiences onto theirs but diving deeper into understanding how unique backgrounds shape perspectives differently than yours would allow!

So take time reflecting upon these ideas throughout your week ahead! Work diligently towards loving others unconditionally while validating their struggles along paths toward healing together!