Embracing Change: The Path to Healing and Growth

Change is the only constant, and every moment holds transformative power. In this thought-provoking episode, we delve into the profound wisdom of Heraclitus' timeless statement about change and its implications on our lives. Our host shares personal insights from years of experience in clinical psychology and addiction studies, exploring how pivotal moments shape our paths. We also discuss the significance of reflective listening in relationships and how understanding past traumas can lead to post-traumatic growth.

Key takeaways include:
- The impact of small choices on life's trajectory
- How reflective listening can transform relationships
- Understanding childhood experiences for personal growth

Join us as we explore these powerful concepts that encourage introspection and positive change. Tune in now!

One of my favorite all-time statements is by the Greek philosopher Heraclitus, who says, "No man ever steps into the same river twice because it's not the same river and he is not the same man." The meaning behind this statement to me is that the only constant in life is movement and change. Everything is changing moment by moment. Relationships change moment by moment. And to be grounded in this awareness, I think, is really important and significant because I've watched now as I'm maturing more in life. I've observed those whom I've grown up with, how their lives have transpired, how family members' lives have transpired, and seen the number of individuals who have gone into addiction, who have gone through divorces, and on and on.

As you ponder and look at a once happy couple or a once stable and happy individual, you may wonder: what was the linchpin moment when things started to go south? It had to happen in a moment in time, right? The first time someone used a drug, the first time someone took a sip of alcohol. In my career, my specialization when I went to grad school was in clinical psychology, where I specialized in addiction studies. I worked for a number of years in methadone clinics. 

Now, for individuals who don't know what methadone is, it's a synthetic or man-made substance—an opiate, a painkiller that is used to treat those who are struggling with an opiate addiction like heroin, oxycontin, or any type of drug like that—Percocet, Lortab, any painkiller. I can picture in my mind so many early mornings at the clinic. Methadone is an oral drug you drink; you can take it in tablet form but usually it's a liquid. Every major city in the country has a methadone clinic or several methadone clinics. It's a harm reduction clinic, meaning that they understand that those who become addicted to painkillers are most likely not going to stop using. 

It's so powerful—the addiction to the body and to the mind—that they're going to keep using. Instead of using needles and being illegal, methadone comes along to create a legal way for clients to receive their drug. They line up in the morning and drink their methadone; it's legal and prescribed by a doctor. This approach tries to get them off the streets and away from illegal use of drugs and sharing needles.

The things I've seen would be impossible for anyone to describe. I've seen people with boils all over their bodies and watched individuals in withdrawal—what that's really like—and it's just heart-wrenching to see the power that a substance can have on a person. But here's the question back to what I was saying earlier: where is the linchpin moment when one choice—a single choice in a moment of time—opened up a door for that eventual path? Was it the first time someone decided they were going to smoke some weed? The first time they used a cigarette? The first drink of alcohol? The first hit of heroin? You know, you've heard perhaps about gateway drugs.

What I'm trying to say—as I'm rambling around here—is every moment is the most significant moment in your life. What choices are you making right now? Where will this choice lead? How will you respond to an individual in front of you? If you're worried about a relationship or you're working on one, I'm thinking of a couple that I've been working with for quite some time. I was talking to the husband; my personal preference is that I do not like doing couples counseling. I've done that before several times throughout my career.

This has been my experience with couples counseling: they both come in and each partner thinks they need to get this therapist aligned with them—to see what they're dealing with in their relationship. The moment I listen to one partner say something like "Oh yeah, she has a good point there," then suddenly the husband feels turned off and goes "Yep, he's aligned with her; I don't like this therapist," or vice versa. I've seen that countless times.

So when people come to me for marriage counseling, I tell them I'll see them individually instead; there are others better suited for working with couples—I just don't enjoy it as much. So I'll work with them individually and say, "Tell me what's going on with you and how you're responding to your spouse." For example, one husband came to me expressing he didn't think he could deal with their relationship anymore—he was seriously considering divorce. He said he couldn't take it anymore; she wasn't doing this or that.

I told him something simple yet profound: "Why don't you just go listen to your spouse? Just go listen." Instead of pointing fingers at her shortcomings—why she wasn't doing this or why she favored their children—I said simply listen to her talk. Practice what I call reflective listening: reflect back some of what she's saying and summarize it using motivational interviewing techniques.

He took that advice and did it. In our session before he went home he was completely despondent—"Woe is me!"—but after listening to his wife he texted me the next day expressing gratitude for our conversation because he felt he'd helped her feel understood where she was coming from—and then she listened back too! They worked things out.

You see, back to Heraclitus's quote: no man ever steps into the same river twice because it's not the same river and he's not the same man. Every interaction we have with another person is significant; every single choice we make moment by moment holds weight. You will never have trouble with alcohol or drug use if you don't take that first drink or hit—you'll never encounter those issues if you don't make that initial choice.

Each one of us has agency; we have freedom within us regarding our decisions. If we don't like where we're at in life—we can change! Isn't that what therapy is about? Individuals try to figure out how they can change—that's why anyone enters into therapy.

Recently someone reached out asking if I could see an individual who needed help but couldn't afford therapy; my colleague offered to cover his costs due to his self-loathing tendencies and self-sabotaging behaviors. When I met him yesterday for our first session just to assess where he was coming from—it was astonishing—he's now in his 40s but had never heard of the ACE Study (Adverse Childhood Experiences Study). If you haven't heard about it yet—just Google it! 

It's one of the most significant studies ever done—a collaboration between Kaiser Permanente Hospital and the Centers for Disease Control—which shows how experiences during our first 18 years lay foundations for everything else in life. So individuals come into therapy hoping we can unpack these experiences together—we work on understanding roots of problems because it's crucial.

I've heard some say identifying roots isn't important—but yes—it absolutely matters! These traumas shape scars—they become parts of us—and while traumas may never completely go away—they become part of our narrative! The real question becomes: what do we do with those things? How can we learn from them?

We can turn these experiences into missions—determining we will make our lives better because we've endured them—that's called post-traumatic growth! So anyway—in this brief podcast—I want you again ponder Heraclitus’s statement: no man ever steps into the same river twice because it's not the same river and he's not the same man.

Every interaction you have today matters! The relationships you're involved in right now are moving—they're changing day by day! How will you respond today? Will it be with love? Patience? Compassion? Gentleness? Or will it be as though you're dictating terms?

It requires soul-searching within yourself—what do you truly want from life? And if something feels off-kilter—keep searching for answers! Believe wholeheartedly in change—you truly can heal relationships if perhaps you'd learn how differently respond!

If your relationship isn’t flourishing ask yourself: “What am I contributing?” Think about your ideal partner—the ideal relationship you'd wish for—and instead focus inwardly: Become that person instead projecting expectations onto others! Show love—gentleness—and compassion today—and watch how things shift positively around you!

Be gentle with others; listen actively—they yearn deeply for understanding! Everyone strives at their core towards feeling safe; provide safety for another person—and observe how beautifully things may return back!