Personal Accountability & Modern Temptations: Navigating Death

In this heartfelt episode, our host grapples with the sudden loss of a long-term client and reflects on life's unpredictable nature. Through personal stories and professional insights, we explore themes of accountability, relationship challenges, and the importance of addressing unresolved trauma. The conversation delves into how unchecked desires can lead to unintended consequences and stresses the need for constant self-awareness.

Key Takeaways:
- Life is unpredictable; continuous self-monitoring is essential.
- Unresolved traumas must be addressed to avoid negative life patterns.
- Seeking help isn't weakness; it's a step towards healing.

Join us as we navigate these complex topics with compassion and wisdom—tune in now for an enlightening discussion!

This morning's podcast is kind of with a heavy heart for me. One of my clients, whom I've been working with weekly for the past six months, passed away unexpectedly. He had a heart attack last week. That experience, combined with a couple of other new clients I've been working with, has caused me to pause and reflect.

The other couples I've been introduced to and am starting to get to know just bring the message back to me over and over again: we're all at risk until the end. Nothing is ever set in stone. If we do not watch ourselves, constantly being responsible and accountable for our inner thoughts and actions, we can be led down paths that are neither productive nor positive.

There are so many things in this world that are just not worthwhile, yet they're designed to drag us away from positive, good things that will help us in our lives. One couple I'm working with—the wife said to me last week—they're in their 60s, and her husband has struggled with pornography addiction his whole life. She just tolerated it; he's been in and out, and it's destroyed her to the point that she says, "I just don't care about anything. I've shut down completely."

It's very complicated. I know some listening might say you just need to leave, but it's very complicated. Financially, it's complicated; there are all kinds of things affecting other things. There are kids involved—their opinions—grandkids, holidays; anyway, it's just not so simple.

This other gentleman I have grown to love deeply, who unexpectedly passed away, was going through some very stressful experiences in life. He was also in his 60s. We tend to think that when we reach a certain point in life—like retirement—everything is easy and solved. Such a place does not exist.

Therefore, we must monitor ourselves constantly. We have to look inside and ask: which direction am I heading? What is my attention on?

This gentleman who passed away had faced heartbreaking challenges last year. After being married for over 40 years, his wife decided to leave him due to her mental health issues. From his perspective, everything was better than ever—they had worked through some challenges like all marriages do—but then an old flame came into her life. She started communicating innocently with him from years ago, which eventually led to her leaving my client and marrying this other man.

My client was devastated watching this unfold; it was super sad. When I heard he passed away unexpectedly after seeing him just last week and hearing about some of the difficult things he was going through—even with work—it really hit me.

In his profession, he was being recertified as most of us are in ours. For example, as a licensed counselor, every two years I have to get continuing education credits to stay current on developments—it’s good and positive—but it never ends.

He was part of the first cohort going through a new training program that was more intense with bizarre twists meant to trick and confuse participants. Everyone struggled with it; he struggled and failed a couple of cycles.

Imagine being in your 60s, still healthy—he exercised regularly—and having a career but now facing the possibility of losing it all and starting over from scratch.

Financially too, after his divorce he had to split assets; what he planned as his nest egg had to be cut in half. See how complicated it is? Back to the earlier client—why didn’t she just leave? It’s complicated; every situation is complex.

My client who passed away faced losing his career or having to start at another company where seniority matters—meaning starting at the bottom again.

Can you imagine that? This is why we can never rest on our laurels or think everything is set in stone—we have to watch ourselves every minute of every day.

In your relationships: don’t squirrel around here or there when you’re committed to your spouse. Being committed means you’re committed; don’t spend time or energy looking at or engaging with others emotionally or sexually.

If your relationship isn’t working well, do everything you can to get help—that’s accountability and responsibility.

And if after trying everything it still doesn’t work, then you’re justified in moving forward differently—but only after being responsible first.

If you feel unloved or lacking affection but start squirreling around or finding things online—that’s destructive behavior for both men and women.

I have another couple where the wife has thousands of followers on social media but posts revealing pictures while having small children at home—it’s insane because she’s seeking approval from others online just like men might seek inappropriate content elsewhere.

Everyone encounters these temptations—in fact, studies show by age 18 nearly 100% of high school seniors have seen inappropriate material online—it’s sticky stuff many healthy people struggle with.

When you come across such material—it’s supposed to create desire by triggering the limbic brain—but you must be accountable and override those impulses because there are consequences.

Some of my favorite thinkers like Marcus Aurelius said: “Pleasures when unrestrained become punishments.” We need boundaries and restraints.

Those creating social media sites know exactly what they’re doing—they target our instinctive brain parts and exploit what is good and healthy for their own needs.

Please be mindful and aware—check yourself—and if you’re struggling humbly seek help.

Like the wife I mentioned earlier who now feels emotionally dead; she says she doesn’t care anymore about her husband’s actions but also has no desire for life or new relationships.

Her husband sees counseling as weakness—he refuses help—but how’s that working out for him now at the end of the road?

It reminds me of C.S. Lewis’ "The Screwtape Letters," where a senior devil trains an understudy on temptation strategies: hell wants a slow gentle slope—not sudden turns—dragging someone along one click after another until they realize at journey’s end they got neither what they wanted nor needed.

I see this pattern so much in people’s lives—it’s small simple things that make a difference—and everyone has been affected by such struggles.

Get out of shame and guilt cycles; pull yourself together and begin today—with hope—to keep working until you no longer fall into destructive behaviors.

Never give up on that quest because once you cross certain lines there’s often no coming back as a general rule—for example those who abuse children should never be allowed back into positions involving kids or teaching roles; accountability matters deeply there.

Anyway, I’m rambling but speaking from my heart as usual—these podcasts aren’t scripted—I reflect on experiences from clients or readings over time.

At day’s end we are accountable and responsible for our decisions and actions—and if you need help but feel unable alone—get help! It’s okay—we all need help sometimes though finding the right therapist can be hard.

One wife recently told me she appreciated our sessions because I don’t just reflect feelings back—I educate about brain functions like limbic versus prefrontal cortex differences—and teach mindfulness techniques for managing intrusive thoughts gently while emphasizing closing unresolved trauma loops because nature requires closure too.

So please take inventory: where are you? What direction are you heading? What secrets do you keep?

In addiction recovery there’s a saying: “We are only as sick as our secrets.” Not saying share secrets everywhere—but hiding them keeps us stuck in shame which fuels rationalizations allowing destructive behaviors to continue unchecked.

Everyone encounters inappropriate material online—you know what it is—you alone have power within yourself to stop wasting time on those things.

With heavy heart I encourage you: course correct if you’re still breathing—you have time!

Today is new—you haven’t lived today yet—even if you've tried thousands of times try again—you may yet reach where you want truly go.