Power of Relationships

So today, I want to focus on the power of relationships in psychotherapy.One of another book one of my favorite books is called The Road List Travel by M. Scott Peck.He wrote this book way back in 1978.It's been on my shelf for years, and I've pulled it off so many times.So many times, though, that it's actually fallen apart, bindings.But I love something that he says that I agree with.And this is about the relationship.We are now able to see the essential ingredient that makes psychotherapy effective and successful.It is not unconditional positive regard, nor is it magical words, techniques, or postures.It is human involvement and struggle.It is the willingness of the therapist to extend himself or herself for the purpose of nurturing the patient's growth.Willingness to go out on a limb, to truly involve oneself at an emotional level in the relationship,to actually struggle with the patient and with oneself.In short, the essential ingredient of successful,deep and meaningful psychotherapy is love.I love that definition.Deep and meaningful psychotherapy is love.Love is, as he says in his book.Love is as love does.Love is not soft.Love is not fluffy.Love is not taking the easy way.It's about being willing to engage in a relationship where another human being is struggling or suffering.And for a therapist, there's another great book called On Being a Therapist. Dr.Or Jeffrey a Kotler.A lot of this book, at least the preface,talks about the relationship not only how the therapist is supposed to influence the patients or clients seeking help, but how the therapists themselves are influenced.A couple of things he says.One thing that is not this is the revised edition.One thing that has not changed much since the first publication of this book is that the process of psychotherapy still flows in two directions.This is obviously the case in the direction of influencing the client, but it is also true with respect to affecting the personal life of the clinician.This impact can be, for better or for worse, making the helping professions among the most spiritually fulfilling as well as the most emotionally draining human endeavors.Some of us flourish as a result of this work.We learn from those we try to help and apply what we know and understand to ourselves.And some of us become depleted and despondent over time.We may become cynical or indifferent, or stale.Can the therapist be immune to the influence of prolonged exposure to human despair, conflict, and suffering?So just for me personally, after doing this work for many years, I've experienced what he's talking about both.I love the work.I love being fully engaged with those I'm privileged to work with.Not only do I hopefully encourage them and help them find some relief from their suffering, but I've learned a lot in the process also.But it really does go both ways.I'm reminded of a good friend who finally got his license.It's not an easy process to get your license, of being a psychotherapist anyway,or a licensed mental health counselor.From start to finish.It's 4567.It's about ten years, 910 years of pretty grueling work and effort before you finally have your license, an independent license, where you don't need to be supervised by anyone, et cetera.And I remember one individual finally getting his license, finally getting it.And when you're in that state where you're hoping to get your license and pass your final exams and so forth, it's just a grueling process.He walked down the hall of the clinic we were working, and he showed me his little magic cord.I got my license, and then he said to me, blew me away.He says I'm not going to do this work.And they go, what do you mean?Because I can't do it.I get too wrapped up in my clients.I can't sleep at night.It tears me up when I don't see clients get better.I feel like a failure.I just can't do this work.I'm going to go do something else.And that's what he did.So, yeah, in a sense, it's like a war zone dealing with human suffering.But to me, personally, I don't think anything could be more worthwhile than being engaged in this work.But it comes at risks.Like, for example, this very last week, and I've been doing this work for a long time, I met with an individual, 30-year-old young man.I truly believe he's the most depressed person I have ever come across in my life.30 years old.He has not worked for two years.His parents don't know what to do.They've tried everything.They're supporting him in therapy.They're financially supporting him in an apartment.And I've talked to him hundreds of times, but to no avail.He's stuck and frozen and in the deepest,darkest place of anyone that I've seen.It's not suicidal.He wishes he weren't here, but he doesn't want to kill himself, right?And so just meeting with him, the impact of that on me, I felt it.I felt a sense of his hopelessness because I, as a therapist, experienced some hopelessness in every single angle I am was trying with through motivational interviewing.Just all of the things I've studied through the years that usually work, that help people relieve some suffering, didn't seem to be working,did not seem to be making an impact.So what does the therapist do with something like that?You need to allow the client to have their pain and suffering.I can't change him, and I know that I need to take care of myself in the process and still show up,be able to bear his suffering in a dignified manner, be there with him, sit there with him in that feeling of hopelessness, just letting him know that he is not alone.I once also worked with an incest survivor.One of the most challenging cases I have ever dealt with.I worked with her for eight years.During the first few sessions in therapy, she would come into my office, and walk in.My door was over here.She would walk in, and I had a couch right in front of me and a couch right here to the side of me.She would walk over and sit down on the couch next to me so that she was not facing me, but that she was looking at me and looking at the door.And usually, as I begin a therapy session, I will say they said to her, can you tell me a little bit about yourself and what brings you here today?And she just sat here like that, and she didn't speak for the first two sessions.So what do I do with that?You're a therapist.What do you do with that?I just sat with it.That's all I did.Understanding a little bit about what must.