Escaping Abusive Relationships: The Gift of Fear

I love the following statement in the book, The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker. There is no straight talk for crooked people. In this podcast, I wanna focus on those who find themselves stuck in unhealthy relationships slash abusive relationships and encourage them to find the strength and power within themselves to realize they do not have to stay there. You really can change. I I go back to the basic foundational mindset of of elite performers, elite warriors, have had they work on self confidence. It can do attitude. They somehow develop a healthy sense of humor. They refuse to be a victim. and then they just don't keep going back to negative things over and over and over again. Many of those that I've worked with through the years are stuck in abusive relationships, and it is seems like the most challenging thing to get out of. There's there's a rule Gavin De Becker points out in his book, the gift of fear, engage, and enraged. Let me just read a couple of paragraphs. If you're involved in a relationship of someone who is controlling, dominating you, cutting you down, swearing at you, any form of physical violence, unless you get out, it will not stop. It will not stop. It will only escalate once someone has crossed those lines, they do not return. I know that's hard for me as a therapist to say. Right? I mean, let me say 98% of them don't. I always believe in change progress and growth. Or I wouldn't even be doing this work, but someone who crosses certain lines, and they say, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'll never do it again. They always do it again. Have you noticed that? It's not going to change. And somehow the fear of the unknown seems to be greater than staying stuck in a horrific situation. In learning to break free, there's I encourage you to take a deep look inside of yourself learn for yourself that that you have to become the hero of your own story. Each of us have to find that strength within our in ourselves. because when redeeming with other human beings, there just will be moments when nobody will be able to live completely up to your expectation. Now I'm not talking about just normal everyday disagreement. we have with people. There's a certain line, and you know what that line is when it's crossed and it's abusive. Be able to accept that and acknowledge that. Listen. Listen to what Kevin De Becker says about getting certain individuals out of our life. You don't want him improved. You want him removed. you want him out of your life. And this goes for males and females because I I do know of men who are being horrifically abused by their spouses. Emotionally, it's it goes both ways. So, again, you don't want him or her improved. You want them removed. You want them out of your life. There's a rule we call engage and in rage, the more attachment you have, whether favorable or unfavorable, the more this will escalate. You see, we now know a secret, and that is that you are never going to work with him or her or be friends with him or her or want anything to do with them since anything less than that is not going to satisfy him or her. We already know that part of the outcome. He is going to be left disappointed. He or she is gonna be left disappointed and angry. and they are going to need to deal with that. If you talk with them, what you say becomes the issue, only way you can have your desired outcome right now is to have no contact. Only then will they begin to find other solutions to their problems, which you can't help with anyway. As long as he gets a response from you, he is distracted, he or she is distracted from his life. If, however, you don't return the calls, then each time he leaves a message, he gets some he or she leaves a mess he get he or she gets a message that you can resist his or her pursuits. Yeah. You might say, but this person never stops. Well, you haven't tested never yet. You haven't even tried it for 2 weeks. I have a client right now I've been working with for, a while. She's involved in a horrific, emotionally abusive relationship. This boyfriend tries to isolate her to put her down, to blame her, to criticize her, to, basically say that she is making him crazy. You owe me this. You need pay for this. You owe me money. It's like, I I mean, you'd scratch your head. Right? If you were to really hear the dialogue, it's just go, why would a person ever stay engaged in that? it really gets tricky because there's this thing called a trauma bond, and and people have a difficult time getting out of it. I mean, historically, research has shown that people need to to attempt to leave an abusive relationship 7, 8 times before they're actually able to do it. But I'm encouraging you if you're involved in an abusive relationship. Or if you know someone who is, have the courage to look at the truth, to speak the truth, to stand up and and and find the strength necessary to honor yourself to become the hero in your own story. No matter how difficult it is, living this type of crazy life, is is just not worth it. There really are other options out there. A This above all refused to be a victim. In our relationships with other people, it's so challenging. relationships are hard. Relationships are sticky. And we just have to realize that other people are not perfect in we gotta give some wiggle room with some things, but there are lines that are crossed. When someone crosses the line to physical violent you're in an abusive relationship, a man, or woman should never hit each other physically ever and particularly a man because they're they're generally bigger and stronger. But there are some women who are stronger than their men physically in relationships, and they're doing the same thing. for anyone to tolerate that is a soul assassination. It begins to wear you down. And I I I've seen this, and it's it's heart wrenching. to see individuals who have found themselves for years in relationships like this, and then they just become stuck just so stuck. but I want you to know today is a new day. Everything that you've experienced in life has brought you to this moment in time. You are strong. You are independent, and you absolutely have the capacity to take charge of your life and refuse to be a victim any longer. As long as we're alive, there's still hope. In the future, The best is yet to come. Just use that as a mantra. Just choose to believe in that. That that belief is just better than Hanging on to the belief. No. Everything's always gonna be horrible. It's never going to get better. No. The best is yet to come. Make a choice to believe in that. The best is yet to come. I will find my way out of this situation. Obstacles are simply opportunities to grow and develop, learn from every single experience, every single interaction that you have with other people. But the most important thing for each of us as individuals to find our strength, our independence, and above all, refuse to be a victim. It's the only way to find the inner peace and freedom and and a little self efficacy that I'm in charge of my life is that we simply will not give our power to other people. Who are abusive So today is a new day. You have not lived today yet. And though you may have failed in your attempt to get out a thousand times before, You haven't lived today yet. Today is full of possibilities, and you actually can change if that's what you choose to do. You have that power within you.