Loneliness, Self-Love & Healing: How to Fill the Void from Within

Loneliness can feel overwhelming, especially when it stems from deep emotional wounds or unspoken needs. In this powerful conversation, Nikki is joined by life coach and healer Tanu ( https://www.allyourshealingandcoaching.com/ ) to explore the path from loneliness to inner peace. They talk about healing after heartbreak, narcissistic abuse, childhood trauma, and unmet expectations in relationships—plus the power of solitude, breathwork, and personal leadership.

[00:00:00] Hi, I am Tanu. I'm a life coach. I'm a mentor, I'm a healer. And today we are going to talk about loneliness. Why loneliness? Because in my own experience, I feel that fighting with loneliness and struggling with loneliness is a big, big, big subject.

People often don't understand how loneliness can impact their whole life. How longing for somebody to be in their life can bring your emotions so dull and so down that you start losing your confidence, that you start feeling that you are not worthy, that you start feeling that you're not good enough.

But that is not the truth. The truth is you are good enough as you are. But how to turn that loneliness into solitude is a process. A process which brings you closer to yourself so that you are able to fill that void. Because once you start filling that void and filling your own cup, [00:01:00] everything becomes blissful.

So today we are going to talk about all those steps and all those small moments, which we go through on day-to-day basis. And somehow the roots of every difficulties we face on emotional level goes down to your childhood. So in this podcast, we're going to explore that. I'll be able to, I'll try myself best to be able to give you all the informations of all the questions you guys have.

Thank you so much for having me here. So there, there's a saying, right? That being alone is different than being lonely. And I am quite okay with being alone. Mm-hmm. I am never okay with that feeling of, oh no, like I'm alone. Completely different. Yeah I'm in a house with 10 people in it at the moment.

I think it's 10 numbers or a thing, but there's a whole bunch of people here. And so [00:02:00] like I know that I could go out there and I could talk to anybody I wanted to. Yes. But me being in here not, I mean, even when I'm not necessarily talking on a podcast at the time, I'm fine with what I'm doing. And if I, anytime I'm like, oh wait, you know what?

I need to talk to like a person in front of me. I just walk out the door to talk to somebody. But not everybody can do that. Yes. So, how do you differentiate when people come to you that difference? Like how do you show them? Look, it's you, there are times when you will feel lonely and this is kind of how you should go, but mm-hmm.

Being alone, how do you make, how do you allow people to be okay with being alone? Okay. Did you say that? Yeah. So, I feel, as you mentioned, that being alone and feeling loneliness is a different thing. If you make a conscious choice of living alone, then you are making a conscious choice because you want to be alone.

Now, there can be different reasons why [00:03:00] you want to stay alone. Some people don't want to live with their family because they need their privacy. They want to take charge of their life, they want to be independent, and that is completely okay. The issue starts where they are not able to fill that void, which sometimes comes and goes every now and then when they are looking at people who are, getting married or who are in relationship or who have a companionship.

Because when this feeling comes in, it comes from the place of love. And if you are living alone and you want to share that space, I'm not saying that we don't love our family, we love our family, we love our friends, we love our, siblings. But when it comes in terms of romantic relationship, in my experience, and also when I, get the clients, they also ask me the same question.

Like, this kind of love is a little different because this love if [00:04:00] is for our partnership. This love is where we want to be with somebody who, where we can share our success, our failure, our vulnerability, everything. There is a different kind of, love. There is a different kind of concept behind it. So when you make a conscious choice of living alone, you're very competent.

But the moment that feeling where you want to share things with, with certain person or people that hits, then this feeling of alone converts into loneliness because it's a switch. If you are busy, you will not think about it. But the moment you will sit or the moment you will see something, any incidents, any situation, any conversation, even watching a movie, then those things gets to you.

Now, if you are feeling that emotion, that loneliness, first of [00:05:00] all, ask yourself the questions,

why am I feeling this?

Because if I have made the decision of living alone, then I made a conscious effort, but the subconscious is telling me something because that's why I'm feeling something. So if the subconscious is telling me that I want somebody who I can share my feelings with, then it becomes a different game. If you are at a certain place where you are going out and dating people and you are willingly doing it, and thankfully you have got the same chemistry and wavelength and match, and then you decide to go ahead, move on in life.

But when you have gone through different breakups or betrayal or cheating in life, especially in terms of romantic relationship, it [00:06:00] becomes very difficult to trust somebody. And sometimes those reasons also become one of the reasons. Who stay alone, that I have had enough share of my heartbreaks, I cannot deal with it anymore.

Now I'm going to be myself and I don't want anybody in my life again. There are two scenarios. It's a topic which is interconnected with so many things, it's very deep, right? So when you come from that mindset or when you come from that kind of experience where something has happened in the past, then filling that void is very important

because you were with somebody, you are sharing everything. You are happy, you are doing things. Unfortunately, things did not go well, and now you're alone, right? So how to fill that kind of void, because earlier it was there, the person was there. Now it's not there. [00:07:00] Usually people who operate from conscious level, they.

Push themselves to be busy 24 hour seven. But that is one of the coping mechanism. It is not the solution of what you're feeling. That's why feeling what you are feeling is very important. The moment you start feeling okay, how does that make you feel? I felt cheated. I felt betrayed. I felt that I was not worthy.

Or why did I waste my time on something which was never even meant to be? Or some people get mad at theirself, like, how can I let this happen to myself? Why were, why was I not able to see the red flags even before it was coming? How can I be so stupid? These are the thoughts that generally people have, right?

And

the thing is, we can be really kind and compassionate to others when we see their journey of breakup, but when we start, but when [00:08:00] it comes on us, we start beating up ourselves.

Yeah, we are not able to process, we are not able to accept that this has happened, because at the back of the mind, it's like, oh my God, how can I let this happen to myself? Like, what was wrong with me?

And when you indu yourself in those feelings on a deeper level, you start becoming a little better. I mean, bitter. You start doing things which you love, you stop doing. You basically stop living your own life and you come on autopilot. But is it going to bring you happiness? No. It's taking you far away from your own bliss and your own happiness.

So the first step towards is feel what you're feeling without judging yourself, without beating up yourself, without saying that, okay, I did something wrong. Well. In my opinion. You did. What was in your [00:09:00] capacity in that moment? Hindsight is always 2020 and we always beat ourself up. No, but I see it so clearly now.

If I'd have, if I'd have just paid attention on the second date, he said some stupid stuff I should have realized then. Yeah. But you're looking at it through the lens of, oh my gosh, he just cheated on me for the entire time we were together. Yes, but, and those comments, yes. When you were on your second date, could have mm-hmm.

Went you the right direction. But at that time you saw or heard them as innocent comments. They weren't like the rage and whatever fuel the visions you're looking back on. Yes, yes, yes. Resentment, guilt, regret, anger. These are very powerful emotions and their grip on you is very powerful.

It takes only three incidents to create a [00:10:00] pattern for this or any kind of behavior in life. And that's why when people, like I, I still have a client, which is going on and it's very difficult for her to come out of that cheated and betrayed phase. It's been three years. She has not dated anybody. And this was her second heartbreak.

And, she still says that, I'm trying, no doubt, I have started feeling much better about myself. And I start, I have started doing things which I love to do. That brings me a lot of peace. That brings me a lot of contentment because it felt like when I was in that relationship, I was not living for myself, but I was living for that person because it's natural.

There are, and we also talked about this, there are two, three categories of people, one who fall in love, like head over heels. They'll do anything for you, like their own job, their own priorities will go aside. And the [00:11:00] people who they love will be the only whole soul center of attraction. And I'm not judging anybody, but this is how some people are, you know?

And again, that is their personality. They should accept who they are. But this is also a place where somebody needs to bring them in awareness of, okay, you love somebody beautiful, great, amazing, but that should not define your life.

You still need to be in charge of your life. Do what you used to do. Love what you are used to love, do things for yourself, which makes you happy still. Because if you are happy from your internal, you're from your soul. Then if the person you connect with, and that is also a person who is in awareness of himself and he is also believing in the same stuff which you [00:12:00] do, then it becomes a combination of two blissful souls and that brings more bliss in your life.

But unfortunately in most of the cases, that doesn't happen. So when that doesn't happen, yeah, I was told once that if you think you're in love and that person is, hung the moon, name one thing that is something bad about them. It doesn't have to be that they have, you know, an ugly face or whatever.

It doesn't have to be. Mm-hmm. It can be anything. Smallest thing. You have to name one bad habit because if you don't know one bad habit, you don't love them. It's not, no. That's like, what is it, puppy love? Where they're the most perfect person on the planet. Nothing could ever go wrong because y'all are gonna be together for, the sweet 16 love.

Right. See, so why do you think it happens, Nikki? [00:13:00] Because we put blinders on, we put the rose colored glasses on, and we're like, yeah, no, I can't see anything. And then you take the rose colored glasses off and there's, his underwear on the floor and like he leaves the toilet seat up and you've fallen in for the third time this week, you know?

Yes. So kind of that type thing. And, its, once we can say honestly, yes, I have been around this person forever. I have talked to them about a lot of different things, and we agree on some of the basics. Right. Okay. Now tell me something you don't like about them. Mm-hmm. Again, tiny little something.

Anything anywhere on the floor, right? Yeah. Just one thing because that means you're still grounded in reality. You can still see exactly those bad things. They're just not that bad. Right? Exactly. Where six months after you get married, it's gonna be a bad thing. Why won't you ever pick up the underwear?

Like it's a thing, you allowed it when you were dating. It's fine.[00:14:00] 

The rules needs to be set here if, but if you walk into a relationship and you're like, we talked about everything and nothing and we agreed on everything and nothing. First of all, one of you is being a complete and utter liar If you believe and, have the same few points on absolutely everything, somebody's lying.

And number two, you've got those rose colored glasses on and that toilet seat is going to remind you at 3:00 AM that there's a problem. Mm-hmm. And if you're in that, if you're so deep into that rose colored glasses time, that 3:00 AM wake up call is gonna lead you to go in and start like yelling at him while he's trying to sleep.

This is very interesting. This is very interesting because you know why this happens, because different people come from a different background and different mindset. Mm-hmm. So during [00:15:00] my training with hypnotherapy, I learned about how different people act differently in love, right? So for some people coming in relationship and staying in relationship is so strongly committed for their se like for their sense of being.

Like they'll love that person wholeheartedly. And if there is a breakup, they won't be able to move on to the other person for years. That's how they are. And for some people moving on is like this. Mm-hmm. Snap of a finger. Like they will just move on. Okay, this Wednesday we had a broke up. Next Wednesday they are dating and they're moving on in their life because of their programming of their mind.

That's what, that's how it happens. Same case happens. When we were dating, you were different. And now you are different. After the marriage you're different. Why? Because when the dating phase was going on, we both were at the best of our, nature. Our behavior, our love for [00:16:00] each other, affection for each other.

But after the marriage happens, the reality is we have to take care of the house. We have to take care of the jobs, we have to take care of the chores, we have to take care of this, that blah, blah, blah. So this becomes a little uncomfortable for person who has fallen in love head over heels, because again, the rosy glasses you are talking about.

If it was before, why cannot be it after, marriage as well, right? Mm-hmm. But on the other hand, the person who is a little rational and practical, they'll be like, I love you. I already got married to you. You are already mine right now. You need to understand that this is us and we are taking care of these things together.

But people who are extremely sensitive or extremely emotional, it, it takes a toll on their emotions. If the partner is not assuring over and over again that [00:17:00] I'm here, I'm not going anywhere again, personality. Mm-hmm. I'm not saying what is wrong and what is wrong, i'm not saying this should be this way and this should be that way.

No, they're their personalities. What helps in between the communication? Mm-hmm. How you are feeling. How you are seeing things. Sometimes we listen to the things which were not even meant to be told. We are reading in between lines because our brain is constantly tap, tap, tap, something is going on.

Mm-hmm. So if the communication is not very constructive or in awareness, or both parties are not ready to talk on the same page, then it becomes very difficult. But the moment we start working on our communication skill, everything starts becoming a little easy, and that's how the smoothness starts coming slowly and gradually.

Mm-hmm. It's all about how we take things. We can have disagreements, we can [00:18:00] have different opinions we can have for different thought processes, but how we manage or how we learn to come on the same page, or at least in of what we both want, then it becomes easy to navigate everything in life. That's why sometimes I've also seen people are married, but they feel very alone in the relationship.

You know what I mean? Yes. Like there is a loneliness. Mm-hmm. Why? Because physically they have come together, but the feelings and the heart is going apart.

I think that the times that I've heard that the most, at least lately, obviously this happens in other situations, but after a couple has a child, if, the mom is usually considered to be the main parent and the dad does whatever the dad does, right? Yeah. Whether it's work, they, and I think that the people [00:19:00] when you are staying home.

All the time, and you're only with the kid all the time. That's a wonderful thing. For some people, other people, that's their worst nightmare. It all depends on how you work. But with that husband, with the husband being the one who goes off to work and then when he comes home and he's like, well, I just worked for eight hours.

I'm gonna sit down on the couch and I'm not going to do anything. So now you're a single mom living in a house with a guy. Mm-hmm. Whether or not that's the baby, like it doesn't even matter if that's the baby's daddy or not. You are essentially a single mother. Mm-hmm. Because there's no help. And so I think that a lot of the times that may, obviously, that would make people feel alone.

Yes. Or lonely even, because a hundred percent, like they 100% when they got pregnant, you know, all those promises are made. Oh, I'm gonna [00:20:00] take care of you. I'm gonna help with the crash. I'm gonna take the baby for walks, you know, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do, and then as soon as the baby's born and it's crying at night and all this other stuff, the other person is like, no, that's your job.

I didn't agree that I was gonna change poopy diapers. That's not my, not not, no. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I hear you. And I think some of that kind of happens because the, that's the father has never actually been around kids before. Mm-hmm. So they're like, yes, I love kids. I want to have my own kids.

I want to have kids. And then they get around the kid for the first time and they're like. What's happening? It smells really bad. Reality hits. Yes. Reality smacks them in the face, not just little bit. Yeah. But like with a whole ass hammer or something. Right. Because now it's right in front of their faces and they're just like, I don't know what to [00:21:00] do.

They don't know how to handle it because they thought they were threatening in there with, oh, this isn't a big deal. I can do this. And then it is a big deal. It is. It is a big responsibility. Yeah. And so they end up, one of them feels like they're alone or lonely. And then the other one is just kinda like, I'm here, I'm still married to you.

Hopefully I'm not cheating on you but I'm, I bring in the money. That's my part in this. That's my contribution . Mm-hmm. Yes. I totally understand. And this is very, this is a very realistic example, Nikki. I'm happy that you brought it up because I think a week ago I was talking to one of my friend and she has two kids, right?

I don't have any kid yet, but I know what major responsibility comes when the kid comes because I'm the eldest one in my house, and my siblings are almost 11 years younger to me, or 13 years younger to me. So I have that sense where I have seen kids growing while I was growing. She was [00:22:00] exactly telling me the same thing, that she's also working and the husband is also working.

The kids are, I think seven years and three years. And, the whole responsibility from laundry. Picking kids up, dropping them to their school, cooking, taking care of the house, everything is her responsibility. And if sometimes she is extremely exhausted, she is really tired and she's not able to make food on time, or she asks like, you know what, can you please prepare dinner because I have to leave, I have to go for my job.

She does four to 10 shifts. She said, it breaks my heart when my husband, instead of understanding, he makes faces and he starts giving me silent treatment. Oh, I hate the silent treatment. That's most evil. Way to handle something on the planet. Don't do that to me. Exactly. Start talking. Exactly. So the thing is, there are two, three ways where we can [00:23:00] deal with this.

And again, I have not been in this situation, so I'm not an expert, but I'm telling you from my own experience and listening to other people, my friends and my family and all those situations, I feel that. The first thing is acceptance of what it's and all that is because the moment we start accepting that this is how it is going to be, our attachment of expectations from the person ends and then we feel a little easy because I was on already not asking you to do something for me because I've prepared myself.

This is how this is going. If you bring on some help more than enough, I'm very happy for that. But if you don't do anything, I'm not going to let it affect me in a bad way so that I am having bad day at home, and then that is affect my work as well. Mm-hmm. I know it's not very easy to do.

It's not very, it's not very, like a rosy thing to see and [00:24:00] feel and understand. No, I will be able to do it. No, it's not easy. It's hard. It's difficult. It's like a path which has all kind of thorns and rocks, but the thing is. Acceptance, bring you some sense of calmness within, because then you start accepting it fully that it is my responsibility, it's going to be my responsibility.

The other person is not available. That is for sure that is the truth. The other person is not available. Second thing, when you've be in this position, and especially if you have small kids around, it's very difficult for you to get me time. Mm-hmm. So to ground yourself, do some three minutes to five minute breathing exercises, it helps you to first connect with yourself, and it also helps you to release the emotions which you are holding.

Just like in the beginning of the session, we did a small, meditation, right? Mm-hmm. It [00:25:00] can be a few minutes, but it brings so much easiness and so much calm within that the trigger which you are facing or suffering from, that slowly and gradually goes down. Because the hook with the expectation is the more you expect, the more you are hurt, and the more you are hurt, the more better you become, the more better you become.

Everything starts becoming like annoying to you, everything, because everything is connected. Mm-hmm. So how to hold the space within yourself where you feel, okay, you know what? I can do this. And without beating up yourself or without blaming other person, because you cannot change other person. You can only have conversations with them.

You can only ask for help because asking for help is also a big problem. Sometimes some people are not good at asking help. Mm-hmm. It was a big problem for me too. Now I have started learning to ask for help. Like, okay, it is okay to ask for help. For [00:26:00] me, it was not easy. The same friend I'm talking about, she has the same problem.

So if you are not asking for help, the other person will not know what you're in need of. Sometimes this also becomes a big issue that I cannot read your mind. Yeah, no, I've heard arguments about that all my life. Can't reach mind. Yeah. Yeah, so asking help is the other thing. Third, having proper conversation, take out half hour, 45 minutes and not an emotional triggered way.

No. When you and the other person is in a good mood, or if you feel that there is no time to be a good time, then you mark it in your calendar. Give your zoom link. Hey, this is the date, this is the time we are connecting on Zoom, and this is the propaganda for this meeting, and we are going to talk about this.

It's as simple as that. Because when marriage [00:27:00] happens, two people are coming together

and sometimes other person doesn't know what is going on in your body and in your mind. Because female body is completely different than male body, the hormones are completely different than male body. That's why we have to express ourself, okay, this is what I'm feeling because I'm going through this and I need you to support me in this.

If you cannot support me, at least just stand by my side. I will feel the support from you sometimes, and I know I have been like this as well, sometimes I don't want any solution. I don't want any suggestion. I don't want any advice. I just want you to listen to I'm, that's it. Mm-hmm. And that itself brings a sense of comfort again.

If you are not having that confidence, if you're not having that kind of [00:28:00] coordination, you are going to feel alone. But then again, it also becomes your responsibility to pick yourself up. Mm-hmm. Start doing things which makes you happy. I told about the, breathwork, I told about having communication with yourself in front of the mirror.

Hey, you're doing a good job. Mm-hmm. I know how it feels. I know it's tough, but I'm there for you and I'm there with you. So somehow when you are having communication with yourself, it feels like you are empowering yourself by yourself. And believe me, Nikki, when you cross this phase, you feel so empowered, then you are start you, then you start understanding that.

Even though you went through this loneliness phase, it became a little, you know, it starts turning a little [00:29:00] bit of solitude because you now know what are your needs and how can you fulfill your own needs by yourself. Mm-hmm. Despite of having a marriage or not having a marriage, every marriage has ups and downs, right?

I'm not saying all the couples are perfect, nobody's perfect as a human. I'm not perfect. You are not perfect. People we are living with, they're not perfect. Mm-hmm. But again, willingness should be there. If there is no willingness, then that's a complete, exceptional story. Then you cannot do anything about it.

But a few points, if we keep in mind, on day-to-day basis, things can get better and avoid your feeling, you will be able to fill it by yourself, with yourself. Only thing is to understand loving yourself as important, as loving others and fulfilling their duties. So just like you're doing things for themselves and fulfilling their duties for them, [00:30:00] the moment you start realizing that you are the person who is the most important person in this whole world, you have come alone and you're going to leave this world alone.

Things starts changing. It took me years to understand this concept, but I did today. I'm married, I'm with a person, but I never feel alone and there is no feeling of loneliness as well. And the best part is even when he's going, and he makes fun of me for that. Even when he's apart, like he's going for his, work or somewhere he's traveling for four days or five days or whatever.

And I'm alone in my house. He's like, are you missing me? I'm like, I'm busy

and I'm busy. I'm busy. What? I'm listening to songs. I'm singing, I'm dancing. I'm doing [00:31:00] my work. I'm coaching others, I'm making videos. I'm doing my podcast because I'm doing what I love to do. Mm-hmm. So when you do what you love to do, despite of what you are doing in your life as a mother, as a daughter-in-law, as a wife, as a sister, as a whatever, then the emotions, the over wellness of emotion, that doesn't bother you that much because you are feeding your own soul with something which you love.

Love is a big word. Love is a big emotion. So if we can blind ourself in loving others. Why can't we have one cup of love in form of coffee or tea or anything for yourself? And that's what I teach people because you'll be surprised. I asked, I think it was last year or last to last year, a girl came to me for coaching, right?

And it was our third [00:32:00] session and she was very upset that day. So I asked her, so tell me, when was the last time you did something, which you love to do anything, what? What was your, what was your hobby as a child? And she paused for a second, and then she said, this is so surprising because I don't remember doing anything after I crossed the age of eight.

So after eight years. As a girl child, she didn't do anything that she used to do. And I asked her, so as a child, what were you doing? What was the thing? What were the activities that brought you happiness? She said, I love to dance and I love to paint. I said, okay, so do you have, painting, brush or color or anything with you right now?

She said, yeah, I have. [00:33:00] So she went, it was online session, right? So she went to the other room. She brought some sketch pens, colorful pens, I guess. I said, can you write one sentence and then start drawing or doing something? And I told her just, just write, hi, I'm sorry I lost you somewhere. When I was growing up,

I lost the innocence. I lost the happiness. I lost my creativity because I could not do it anymore. But today I'm back and I am holding this pen to write you a letter because I'm sorry. And I want to get back to you again because I want to be happy again.

And whatever else comes in your mind, you can start writing and then let me know how it was. [00:34:00] She kept crying and she kept writing the letter. And by the end of the day, I mean by the end of the session, she was feeling very light. She said, this is the very first time. And she shared a lot of stuff with me that day.

She said, tan, this is the very first time I'm sharing my heart to somebody. So thank you for holding space for me. And then on the next session, I asked, how are you feeling today? She said, can you believe I joined salsa classes and I'm doing painting? I'm like, wow, that's amazing. So this is the impact of loving yourself as who you are and what you are.

And instead of expecting from others to start doing things for you, start providing yourself what you would [00:35:00] love to do, because that is your emotion and you'll have to fill your cup by yourself. So if you want happiness and somebody else is giving you annoyingness, is it going to work? No. If

you want to go to somebody and you just want that person to be completely silent with you, or just hold the space for you without saying anything, and that person start giving you lectures or start preaching you that you were wrong and you shouldn't have done this, then blah, blah. You. You're gonna shrink your personality.

You will start having fear of having communication. You will start feeling scared. Oh my God, should I do now? Should I approach that person? Should I not?

Just like you parent your kids. You need to reparent yourself. That's what called in a child healing.

It's all about you. [00:36:00] Every emotion, every thoughts, every feeling. You just have to acknowledge, how am I feeling today? What can I do for myself today, which will make me very happy, which will make me feel proud, which will make me like, oh my God, this world is so beautiful. When you have that passion within you, nothing else matters.

I'm not saying that, I'm very perfect with my husband. No, he's not perfect. Because we have our cups so full with whatever we love to do. We don't interfere. Okay, you should not do this. And what? You should not do that. No. As an individual, I know you have a different personality. I have a different personality and we have a beautiful understanding of this is where you come from.

This is where I come from. He's from a different culture background. I'm from a different culture background, right? But the importance of knowing that we are as an [00:37:00] individual, whole and complete person, and it is our responsibility to take charge of our own happiness. Everything becomes ease. Everything becomes easy.

So this awareness, this sense that only I can map or I can make myself happy, or it is my responsibility to make myself happy, half of the things gets resolved like this because then we are not looking outside of us. I have like, I'm so happy to be here today. Right. This is the podcast. Mm-hmm. I love doing these things, and imagine if somebody keeps stopping me from doing what I love, I will lose my confidence.

I will lose my happiness, I will lose my personality. I will start losing my mind at one point. Mm-hmm. Because then my whole identity is gone. Not easy to come back from that either. [00:38:00] That happens when, unfortunately that happens when you have suffered narcissistic abuse or trauma. Yes. Yes, it is.

My mom was a narcissist, yes. Yeah. I'm sorry. I hear you. I understand you. Because I also have evolved a lot in my own journey. Like, if you have met me, eight years ago or maybe nine years ago, you, I would've been a completely different person then. All this wisdom or maturity, whatever I'm having right now, I would be like, man, nothing works, nothing makes sense.

But because I have come a very long way in my own journey mm-hmm. Today, I have that experience to share my own story and with my own experience and think what works, what doesn't work. Mm-hmm. I have also come a very long way from eight or nine years ago, eight or nine years ago, I was very deep in the fog [00:39:00] of depression and, mental health issues.

Not saying I've cured them. But I have gotten to a point where I can pretend to be normal in some situations. Yeah. But, kudos to you. I mean, it's tough. I know, I understand. It can be. But I'm doing way better, like way better now than I was then. And, it took work. This wasn't something where I just decided one day that I was all better.

No, it took work. It took me, yeah. Sitting down with myself basically and saying, okay, you gotta knock this crap out. Let's go. And like slowly chipping away at that. It took a lot of growth and a lot of time to get to where I'm at now. And it's, and I'm proud of you and different picture than it was back then.

So anyone can do, if I can do it, anyone can do it. Like you can come back from the very a hundred brink of darkness. A hundred percent. I hear you. [00:40:00] And come back from it. I'm proud that you come back. I'm proud of you and I'm very happy that you're sharing your story because I support the same way.

And at that time I did not know what was narcissism. I did not know what was gaslighting. I did not know how that was affecting my personality. All I knew was I was hating myself and I was ready to give up. Like, I can't do this anymore. I'm going, today's my last day. That's where I was very important to come back from that thought.

Yeah. Yeah. It took time. As you said, healing takes time and the first step towards healing is sitting with yourself, which is so difficult. Mm-hmm. There was a point in my life where. I wasn't feeling comfortable in being alone. [00:41:00] I was like, whenever I was in that alone phase, I used to always think about all the negative emotional abuses, which I have suffered.

It was like a dark tunnel or like a pit, where when I was falling down that spiral, it was so difficult for me to come out of that thing. Mm-hmm. Because then you only think about those things which has happened to you, how you reacted, how the other person affected you, what you said. It was kind of a unending conversation happening in my own mind.

Even when that thing has happened four years ago, or five years ago, or eight years ago, it was like that. A lot of people, when they pitch your darkness or the darkness that you go to when you're depressed, they're always like, it was like a train tunnel or whatever. And I don't find that to be true because mine was jagged.

Like, as I fell down that I couldn't see [00:42:00] the light, I couldn't feel the light, I didn't know that the light was there. I had to piece by piece, get back up and out before finally I was at a point where, wait, now I can see the light. Yeah. And once you can see the light and you're working on yourself diligently, you get closer and closer to it.

And I'm not talking about the one that takes you out of this earth, but the one that keeps you here. Mm-hmm. So as I got back out of that deep, dark, whatever I was in, I was seeing things differently and in a whole different way than I had before. Not only because of the trauma that happened, but because of being in the darkness that I had been in.

Yes. And, like I said, it takes time, but for me it wasn't a, oh, well, it's a train tunnel. I can, I've always been able to see the light. No, there, there were times, there were days, there were years where there [00:43:00] was no light. That happens. That has happened to me also. Everything started changing when instead of revisiting those moments again and again, one day I was like, I'm fed up.

I cannot do this anymore, but I want to change. Mm-hmm. So I started asking like, why only I, why I have to suffer this? Why I have to enter through this? Why all the other people around me, they are very happy, and I'm not jealous of their happiness. It's just why I cannot be happy. How can I turn things around where I get some sense of hope?

Okay. Things can change. Mm-hmm. And that's, and that is such a powerful thought and statement because I remember when I first connected with my hypnotherapist, actually one of my friend, I used to have conversations with her, she connected me to him. [00:44:00] And that's how everything started changing. So when you say about being in the dark place and staying there, that's where I was.

And when you said that, the moment you start trying to find that light and you're able to stay in that, and then you go up. Mm-hmm. That's what happened to me as well. That one light of hope brought me so much assurance that, you know what, maybe it's not that bad because I still have time. I'm still so young, I can do things right.

Mm-hmm. Imagine I was like howling in that first session. Crying, crying, crying. And he gave me one affirmation every, what was that affirmation?

Everything is getting better. Ah. Oh my God. I was just [00:45:00] writing that affirmation the other day. I forgot about it.

Everything is getting better every day and in every way. Mm-hmm. That was my first affirmation. Everything is getting better every day and in every day in that moment, because I was suffering emotionally, financially, mentally, like everything was like hit by it. I was a journalist at that time. I was not even a healer and a mentor or a life coach.

I was a journalist. So I left 10 years of my job of doing journalism just like that. So imagined what state I was in. I read this affirmation. It brought me such a, it brought me kind of light, and it gave me a sense that everything can get better. [00:46:00] And by everything I literally mean everything. I was always sick.

I had multiple fractures every single, like every alternate years I was meeting with some of the other accidents. I don't know how that was happening, but I was inviting a lot of accidents in my life unknowingly. My shoulder was broke, my elbow was broke. My ankle was broke. Like I was in such a miserable state.

Even the doctor said that you won't be able to use your left hand. It's sorry. But fortunately the universe has been a plan for me. I'm not saying it's completely healed, but at least it doesn't come in my way for doing any kind of stuff. So I'm very grateful and best about it, right? Mm-hmm. So the moment you start saying that, okay, enough is enough now I'm gonna change my world, around universe will start connecting you with those people who would help you to become, you wanna become.

Hey everyone. Thanks for sticking with [00:47:00] us. Before we dive into our next topic, I just wanna take a quick moment to remind you two who like this video, subscribe to our channel and hit that notification bell. That way you'll always be the first to know when a new episode drops, and we want to hear from you.

What topics are you most excited about? Drop your thoughts in. The comments below. Your feedback helps us create content that you love. We've got some exciting stuff coming your way, so don't miss out. Now let's switch gears and jump into our next discussion.

there are a couple of things that you have to do now, if you were born with the skills and aptitudes and all that, to become a leader, you probably still have to go through a trial of some kind before.

Mm-hmm. You can actually be a good one. Otherwise, you're over there with the gangs or whatever being their leader. Mm-hmm. Um, or just being a crappy leader in whatever place you're at. Right. There's middle management is a thing, [00:48:00] but, so for me, if you want to develop the key skills in order to be a leader, or even if it's not like, this is what I'm doing, like I'm going to be a leader type thing.

Yeah. So what you just said, crawling back out, getting back out, and now you're in the light and you're. Changing what you're doing, you're a leader already, because the the first time you tell that story to someone, probably solving along the way, you are helping them come up behind you, which is the whole basis for my podcast in the first place because I've come through hell.

There's that song, there's a country song. I love it. You're going through hell. Don't stop moving, keep going. And maybe you'll get out before the devil even knows your there. Don't remember who sings it. Somebody will say something eventually. But, a great song. And it is the absolute [00:49:00] truth when you're in that dark little pocket of wherever you are and you're struggling because you have no energy to do absolutely anything.

You have no motivation to do absolutely anything. That conversation you have with yourself when you have absolutely had enough of your own crap that says, I'm not doing this anymore. I'm not staying stuck here. This is not where I'm meant to be. This is no. And you start clawing with your fingertips to get out of where you are.

That is the beginning of your leadership journey because you should at some point help the next person come up and out of that dark pit. However that is for you. For you, it's being a coach that helps people with all of the trauma and stuff that they deal with. [00:50:00] For me, it's telling people they need to shut up and keep going.

Sometimes easy than that. Sometimes polite than that, sometimes not. Um, you know, I. I don't tend to filter much. I do try not to cuss at too many people, but, other than that, I don't really filter all that much. It's thought mouth gone. Mm-hmm. Sometimes it's just gone. 'cause like I said it and I, I was like, yeah, where that goes on.

Yeah. That happens. But that's a leader to me. Now you've got like Tony Robbins and all those other, leaders or whatever who are up on stages and they're talking to people all at once. Yeah, sure. They're helping way more people than you might in your entire life. That doesn't make you any less of a leader.

Sure. I don't think I want to be on a stage talking to 500 billion people now. I've been in the free, online portion to some of those, like the 10 x event or whatever. [00:51:00] You've got somebody from the organization will say, Hey, if you click this link, it'll take you to something from us.

Mm-hmm. And immediately you have a hundred people going, wait, do we click on that now or do we save it and wait it for later? Okay. That's not a leader. Okay. If you're not like comprehending things being told you, maybe you need to go back to the step where you go through trauma. Yeah. I'll help you with that if you want.

I would love to. I would love to give you some trauma. 'cause like you need it apparently.

That's funny. But those crucibles, those bad moments, those, it's, that's us being put into the refiner's fire that is us as sand being, being put into the fire so that somebody can make a glass object. If you don't go through that process, you're always going to be shifty and [00:52:00] easily moved and mm-hmm.

I know where I stand. Yeah. I know where I stand with my religion. I know where I stand with, my stuff that I do for work. Like I know where I stand. Exactly. I'm not shifty, I'm not the Oh. But, you know, well the only part I'm shifty on is how much I get paid and that's because I wanna be able to help people.

Yeah. So I'll move my line on that, but it's not, oh, well I need you to do this ad for beer that says you drink it every day. Yeah. Not happening ever. 'cause I don't drink and I don't drink piss water. It's just not something I do. I don't drink too. Like Ah.

Life throws you curve balls and sometimes it's just trying to help you get to the next step. Yeah, that's true. That's true. Some of those curve balls had fire on them for some reason, and you caught a blaze for a little while. It's [00:53:00] fine. It's out now and we can move and start doing other things.

Mm-hmm. Help the next person coming up behind you. Hey, you know what? When I was going through something similar, this is what I did, take it or leave it as you will, but like this is, this is what I did. I didn't go around telling everybody I was gonna stop smoking. I didn't, I didn't do that. What I did was ask my friend, Hey, can we go over here?

Go back to my sister's house one last time. I'm gonna have one last cigarette and I'll be done. I'm not gonna smoke anymore. Hmm. And she was like, are you sure? I'm like, yeah, I'm sure. I went and had the most miserable cigarette of my life. It was like raining, and I'm standing outside smoking this stupid cigarette all by myself, and I'm like, you know what?

This isn't a brand I like. It's raining. I'm not interested in this. I didn't even smoke the whole thing. I got halfway through. It was just like, I'm done. Just [00:54:00] done. Yeah. And I put that cigarette, I've not touched another one since. And that was in 2019. Mm. Long time. And I had smoked from the age of 17 until 2019.

So like I smoked for a hot minute. Wow. Well, hats up to your willpower because that one statement, that one commitment, the phrase where you said, okay, no more. And the determination because determination. Determination to heal yourself, determination, to take care of yourself, determination, to bring back yourself to yourself, to becoming who you wanna be or who you actually are.

Mm-hmm. Everything lies in that determination. So you determined in that moment and happen. I mean, I still, every once in a while we'll have a nightmare where I wake up [00:55:00] feeling like I just had a cigarette, and I'm like, yeah, did I have a cigarette? Like the dream was so real, and I'm going,

yeah, that happened. So I'm a non-smoker. I'm a non-alcoholic person. And I don't eat meat, any kind of meat, any kind of seafood, but I'm pure vegetarian too. So I don't know how it taste, how, I don't know, like when I moved to the US 2021, got married to my husband and he like occasionally drinks sometimes.

So he will be like, why don't you try this? And I'm like, Ugh. I don't know if I want to try, but because the smell is what throws me off. So even your body has a different way of telling what you can eat, what you can eat.

I am somebody who has texture issues and I don't [00:56:00] like all that many vegetables. So when I was growing up and I didn't, I don't like meat either, so, but I have like a couple of meats that I like. And so my mom was like, are you gonna start eating beans for your protein? And I was like, ah, hell no. And she then you can't become a vegetarian because you'd have to eat a lot of salads.

Yeah. And eat beans for your protein. And I kind of went, oh hell no. I ain't eating cho for the rest of my life. No, thank you. So I had to keep the meat in my diet. Yeah. I feel everything comes down to awareness. Everything you are, all the five senses will tell you. Mm-hmm. If you're a hypersensitive person like me, you'll be able to read the energies.

When you walk into somebody's place and you go outside, it becomes very overwhelming for me, sometimes the sessions I take, they become very heavy as well, because somebody's coming with a lot of stuff, you know. [00:57:00] So even in that moment, holding the space for your own self, not only with your clients holding the space for your own self become very important.

Mm-hmm. And the grounding techniques. It can be found on YouTube as well. Um, I'm planning to make some audios, like meditation audios, and to put it on my website, just to give it away when whoever is in need. Those things helps you to ground within. And then again, that also helps you to, you know, deal with the freedom of loneliness because you are so much grounded within yourself that you start feeling, yeah, it's okay.

I'm fine. I'm good. Mm-hmm. I can go ahead. It's okay. You know, like you start pampering yourself. You start supporting yourself as if you are talking to somebody else. Like somebody is, even if somebody is not living with you or living with you, but it's like, yeah, I know I got this. It's okay. Chill. Mm-hmm.

You get that feeling. So, yeah, I'm immense, I'm immensely grateful [00:58:00] to the universe for this. Whatever I have become today, I'm very happy about it. Everybody always talks about communication. They're like, oh, it's important. Oh, it's important. If you're a leader, it's a hundred percent more important that you know how to communicate, not only with the people you're trying to help, but the people who are working with you.

Mm-hmm. So that they know what they're supposed to do. But you also, I see a lot of times nowadays, a lot of leaders have their ego out for everybody to see, like, I'm doing this because I want to get gay. I'm doing this because I want to be seen. And it's, I, I, I, when I am, what I am trying to do is point out that everything I do is to help somebody.

Right? Whether or not I'm getting paid for, it doesn't matter. I am [00:59:00] still, my thought in my brain isn't what am I gonna do to get this money from this person? My thought has always been, what does this person need? How can I help this person get to their goal? I have goals. I haven't been good at writing them down, which is like stupid because I know better.

Like, you know, self-care is one of those things. I don't do all that well, but write your goals down, plan them. So if you have a three year goal to have 100 followers on YouTube, okay, what are you going to do in the next three years that is going to get you those a hundred followers? And why is it taking you three years?

I really don't want this to take me three years to get that. Like I have more now actually. But kind of one of those things where you're like, why is it taking you that long? So you have to. Set [01:00:00] realistic goals because a hundred goals in th a hundred likes in three years is probably a lot low, probably up.

But at the same time, you want them realistic for you. Are you posting on a regular schedule? Are you doing stuff that is going to help you if you just make the goal? So I'm going to have a hundred followers in three years on YouTube. Right. And I'm only using this as an example. 'cause it's very mm-hmm.

Like you can see the progress, right? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And you do nothing. Six months from now, you're still just doing that. Whatever post that you put up there to begin with, maybe a few more, but you don't see anybody's following you. There's nobody coming to your page. Are you gonna sit down and cry? Or are you going to go, okay, well I'm doing something wrong.

Let's figure it out. Exactly right. You figure that part [01:01:00] out and then you go onto the next part. You're like, okay, well now I'm posting more consistently, you know, I'm doing great. It's fine, whatever. And then another six months goes by and you still don't have any viewers. And you're like, okay, well what am I doing?

Oh, I don't have any thumbnails on any, Hmm. I don't know why it's taking you six months to figure that out, but, whatever, float your boat. I need to put, thumbnails on these things so people will come view them. 'cause you know, you gotta have that shocked looking face for some reason on your thumbnails, right?

Mm-hmm. So you do that and then all of a sudden, you know, you look at it again and it's, oh, it's only been two days since I started putting thumbnails on and look at that. I've got 50 followers.

You know, and then you go back and you know what? My titles are probably stupid. I didn't I put Joe Smo? Maybe that's bad. And so then you go back in and you do the thing with your titles and your descriptions and make them mean [01:02:00] something. Oh no. Now I have 500 followers. How'd to do that?

That's way above my goal. You're not checking in and looking, you're not gonna be able to become a leader because obviously you don't care about doing anything because you're checking on your roles. You're not making, the easiest way to do it is to set your goal and create, goalposts where, okay, so in two weeks I should have two followers because I've done this, and this.

And then you check in and then you say, okay, so in six months if I keep doing these things and add this and this, I'll have a hundred followers. And so exactly that helps you. So your goal should do exactly that. They should be something you can check in on and adapt as needed. Once you're not done with them.

'cause you're never done with goals, you should always have goals. But once you've gotten to a certain point with your goals, [01:03:00] you can turn around and help the next one come up. The next person wandering conclusively now has a reason to go set some goals that they can have realistic expectations for the next thing that comes down.

Yeah, and you have to learn how to communicate them. I talk a lot myself, usually not to people.

But you have to know how to communicate in whatever way that is. If you don't speak English, if you speak some other language, then I don't know why you're on my podcast. I only speak English. Go speak that language and make sure that your communication is strong in that language. If you sign language, then make sure that you are strong with your signs so that when you're communicating with people that know them, you can be a hundred percent sure that you're getting the correct message across.

Learn, [01:04:00] learn for yourself what it means to write. Everybody's got ghost writers these days. Oh, I didn't have to write that. AI wrote it for me. Now, this is what I do with ai. When I have something I have to write, I write something myself. I get all the main points I want to have, and then I, I go to AI and I'm like, how can I make this better?

Make sure you correct for punctuation, spelling, and everything else, because I don't do that correctly. Mm-hmm. And it gives me back something that, hey, it was originally written by a human, but they've. They've, you know, taken it to that next level, so that improvised it. Yeah. Mm-hmm. They improved on it.

They didn't just have to come out with nothing. Because that's how you get everybody talking about Sally, who cares about Sally, but, so use AI to enhance, not do the whole thing. Yeah. But, also the other thing [01:05:00] with leaders is you're supposed to lead by example, goes a little haywire when you're me and you don't really do some of this stuff.

You know, you're supposed to, 'cause I could tell you all day long to get goals. Write them down, break them up. Like, I know how to do it. I've done it. I have, it's done. I have it in my head all broken down, and I'm fine. Mm-hmm. But writing them down sets them in stone. Yeah. For some reason, I have this thing on my brain that goes, yeah, don't set it in stone.

We don't know if we're gonna do it.

So I totally think that you should do that, and I am going to work on that. Because it needs to be set in stone because it needs, this is the, think of goals as your yellow brick road road. You can't get lost if you follow the yellow brick road. Right. Because if it turns red, that's obviously not what you wanted.

Mm-hmm. You keep going with the gold one and then [01:06:00] eventually again, turn around and tell the next person, Hey, look, this is the road. Get on this road. It'll help you. Yeah. It went right from the town all the way to, the Emerald City through a sleeping flower patch or something. But it's fine.

So, leadership, a hundred percent is born and something that you can create yourself, but it's not easy and it's not gonna take a day. Yeah. I mean, it's a process. It's a process. You beautifully mentioned that if you can figure your way out, you can help others to figure their way out. Mm-hmm. It's a beautiful statement.

Right. But again, it also takes willingness mm-hmm. To reach out to people who are in need. [01:07:00] I could have stayed in my journalism job even after learning all these things. Mm-hmm. But I didn't. Why? Because I felt like this is not going to bring me that fulfillment. And the meaning and purpose, which I'm looking for in my life, because I know the struggles I went through.

There are thousands and thousands of people who went through the same kind of struggles and maybe don't, they don't even know who to reach out to. They're not even aware because back in 2016 when I decided that I need to change, we also had very limited amount, you know, of resources. My journey started with therapies, counseling sessions, then hypnotherapy, then healing, and then all those things.

Like, it's a whole lot of stuff. Whatever suits with you. Some people start feeling better with talk [01:08:00] therapy. Some people start feeling better with medicine. Some people start feeling better with healing. For me, healing on the subconscious mind was the most powerful thing because subconscious mind is powerful than the conscious mind.

And the results are lasting, and, people see the change. I felt the change. I saw myself transforming from where I was to where I am or where I was going. Mm-hmm. So it became my passion. So somebody, even when I'm shooting out my resume is these days to, you know, for a part-time job or something, the purpose I write like, oh, what, where do you see yourself in the next five years?

I just write, I see myself helping as many as people I can to bring a shift in their perspective and mindset so that they can have a better life. Because if I'm able to put, if I'm able to bring some kind of shift, even to a single person in a whole day or maybe in a whole week, that's a big thing for me [01:09:00] because I know that person is going to come back and share the experience what he or she had with me.

How he or she's consistently working towards that. Because consistency is another point. If you are not consistent, then things are going to go haywire. Just like you were giving the example of YouTube, if you're not doing work, it's not going to take you anywhere.

Mm-hmm. And it's important then every areas of their life. Being consistent in learning new things, being consistent in being disciplined, being consistent in learning, in better communication and leadership skill. Whatever you can, whatever your choice of interests are. Mm-hmm.

And, thank you for coming.