Therapy, Trust, and Truth-Telling: A Raw Conversation on Mental Health

Licensed psychotherapist Alisa Gracheva joins Nikki to talk about trauma, healing, and the power of building a safe space in therapy. They discuss life after abuse, how to find the right therapist, and the difference between surviving and evolving. The conversation also dives into building walls, using humor to heal, and why not all trauma support is created equal.

my web: www.since.life

IG: alisa_art

Facebook: Alisa Gracheva

Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/alisa-gracheva-61081670/

Psychology today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/alisa-gracheva-coral-springs-fl/1109186

Alisa Gracheva
===

[00:00:00] Hi. Thank you so much for having me. My name is Elisa. Eva and I work as a licensed psychotherapist. I specialize in trauma. This is something that was my lifelong journey thus far, and healing my own self as well as afterwards being, or assisting others in their own journey with that as well became something very meaningful and fulfilling for me.

So I would definitely glad to share more about my work and what I do and maybe increase some awareness of what trauma is and how we can navigate it. Living in this world and having to function, building relationships, working getting through again, our own kind of evolution 'cause we're always evolving and I feel like if we use our trauma in the best way possible and sounds a little weird, but, we can get really a lot of benefits out of that even though, not every trauma can be, we can say, I happy I had that.

But we can come to a place where looking back we can say, okay, I understand why that happened and that actually serving me well in this. Present moment. And so that's, I feel like the goal of working with that. So I would gladly share [00:01:00] more about this journey, my journey or in general, trauma related kind of information.

Okay. So my first question has nothing to do with any of that, but you have an accent. Where are you from? Where are you at? Ah, yes. So I'm actually, I'm in Florida, in the United States. I was born and raised, I was actually born in Soviet Union. I was a Soviet baby. But I came from Russia.

I moved down here when I was just 18. So my journey, that was one of the parts of the trauma. 'cause we all know the, difficult life of the immigrant. And so yeah, I've had my fair share. Actually, I've never been back since I came here. But, yeah, it was half a life here and I got some, again, experiences that damaged me for good, I would say.

But yeah, that's how I got here. Yeah. Okay. I didn't come from a foreign country, but I have a lot of trauma in my background and mm-hmm. I can say with Asurity that I am not glad that I have any of it, but I do see [00:02:00] how it has pushed me in different directions. Yeah, for sure. I feel like, again, navigating that, I'm not sure if we can ever look back and especially again, I work with people who have really severe experiences.

I'm sure you probably had, some of those type of scenarios and events. But I feel like sometimes, again, it's guiding us to become better. I know part of us can be kind of dead after that trauma takes place or some things we can never return to again. And you know how sometimes people say, I wanna be back to myself.

I wanna be forward to the new version of self because we can never be back after what we have to go through. So sometimes understanding that we're gonna grieve a part of ourselves, but then again, we can become so much more and so much better because of that. And I feel like looking back and saying, okay, you know what?

I get some meaning out of it now as I am at this new place of my life and new self, if you will. I really dislike it when people say, oh, I wanna get back to how I was when I was whatever age. My trauma started [00:03:00] very young and it has been around since I can remember. Mm-hmm. Obviously I have a lot of different issues and they've all, a lot of them have been discussed on my podcast before because it's the type of thing, especially trauma you have to share so that other people can learn and not do the same things or can get out of the same situation.

And I had a narcissist for a mother ended up in foster care when I was four in a home. That was a pillar of the community. I really dislike when people say those words altogether because a lot of the things that happened in my life happened because of pillars of the community. Not exactly, everybody else's view on them, but is what happened to me.

And so, it was a very abusive situation that I ended up in. And so, I can't go back everybody else, oh, I wish I could go back to how I was when I was [00:04:00] 16. I wish I could go back to how I was when I was 17 before everything happened. Or some can go back to say 12 or whatever. There's no me, if I go back and change one trauma, there's no me, I'd end up an entirely different thing.

Even just one of all the traumas I've been through. I very brazenly had one of my friend's son-in-laws at one point turn to me with people in the room and go, so how are you abused? And he started, you know, listed off the different abuses and I just kind of went all of them. And like, I'm not talking to about that with you, like very flippantly, none of your business.

But, trauma is huge, right? It becomes this living, breathing thing. But it's also a living, breathing thing that you have to fight every day to keep going. If you've had, [00:05:00] I'm not trying to dismiss anybody's trauma as being lesser or whatever, but sometimes when you've had one trauma and it happened when you were a teen, there might be a way to get back to your personality or whatever before that happened.

If you work really hard. You might be able to see yourself again, after therapy and all that. But for some people, there's no going back to anything. Yeah. You have to just reshape the personality and make sure that it's a better one than the one we came out of the trauma with. Yeah. Well, I feel like, I don't know if we can ever.

Go back to the previous self at any point with the trauma in general. I mean, we can maybe recognize, like you said, recognize yourself, but in general, I feel like we're meant to evolve. And I love this quote that goes, not everybody came to this earth to evolve. Some people are here to show you what's gonna happen if you don't.

Yeah. So I feel [00:06:00] like it's a natural progression for us to become different to. We're always becoming, I don't think there's ever a stop point when we say, okay, you know what? I think this is it. Just like for healing too. And I feel like that's what a lot of people have this mistake of saying, okay, I'm gonna heal this part and I'm good.

It doesn't work like that. We get traumas regularly and again, I know we use a lot of, a lot in pop psychology now. We use trauma, we threw it. Everywhere. But in reality, not everything that we even can consider that abuse or war, things like that are the only things that we consider trauma.

We all have different sensitivity level, and again, like you've said, right, not bringing in that somebody has it worse than another or somebody's trauma is less than somebody else's, but I feel like we can get very severe consequences out of things that don't generally consider traumas. Like again, abuse, rape, incest, molestation.

If it's, physical harm or things of that nature. Or losing someone very important to you. I feel like even, when you've mentioned about being a kid, right? And having that [00:07:00] narcissistic mother. Not meeting your needs. I mean, narcissists who are mothers for sure. It can be very rough.

You learn all of the wrong ways of how to navigate life, what relationships are, how to build families, how to function in the world. But even navigating your needs met as a child. Our parents, when we're born, they're everything. They're gods to us. We don't know anything else. So everything we learn first and foremost from our household, from our parents, right?

And we'll have needs to learn how to feel loved, validated, acknowledged, cared for. And if those leaders are not taught to us, how do we know how to do that for ourselves? And that can lead to a lot of different things in the future as well. And I'm not even saying, let's say the mother was okay, was not narcissistic, but maybe she didn't have time for the child.

That can create the same thing. Mm-hmm. It's that damaging attachment to your parental figure. And then you're not able to form other relationships with other people. And if somebody comes upon that gives you that, validation or love or care. And you're like, oh my God, I've never felt that before.

And maybe that's the beginning of [00:08:00] that relationship and that person is not a good person for, you're not a healthy person. Mm-hmm. You get that codependency going and then you get into abusive relationship into things that are afterwards destroying you rather than healing you. So, yeah. Mm-hmm. There's definitely a lot.

So it doesn't matter what your trauma is. If you have a trauma, you have to work on it. However, I am one of the people who does not believe that group therapy should be used for anybody. I have an experience that shows why I had an event happen in my life that happened over two days, but it has affected my life very much.

Mm-hmm. Going forward from there when I was in, I think high school, I got put into a room with a bunch of people who had. Kind of similar traumas happen in their life. And I literally had a teacher tell me, oh, yours isn't that bad. Why [00:09:00] don't you talk about yours? So that Susie, fake name, 'cause Frick if I remember.

But Susie's trauma is so much worse and we really want her to talk. So like, I got dismissed because mine didn't happen over years, but was just as bad to me because of situations and I'm not gonna get into. And so, there's,

okay, so I had psoriasis, I have it. When I was five years old, it came out and it was like 90% of my body was covered. My mom was completely disgusted by that fact and would not touch me after that unless she had to at a doctor's appointment or in public type deals. My mom was a great mom in public.[00:10:00] 

If it was happening in public and she was going, she might be, judged for it later, she could be a great mom. It was what you had to deal with at home that was a problem. So to go into that situation and have that happen for two days when my own family wouldn't touch me at all, it was more traumatic than if it would been have been a healthy home life.

And going into that for even just two days. Yeah. Not that it's not traumatic because it fricking is, but if you're in a group, people start to judge, oh, this one was way worse than that one, and this one was way worse than that one. They can't help it. People judge. It's a thing they do, and so I have, I work one-on-one with my therapists.

I don't do group therapy just because there ain't no way I'm getting into that kind of situation again. Yeah, well you're, it sounds very [00:11:00] number one and competent of the person who was leading the group. Mm-hmm. I think it's not for everybody. I agree with you. I don't think it's for everybody. I do know some groups that can be beneficial, like for that purpose of connecting people.

Let's say again, widow groups. I know that can be very, very beneficial. 'cause it's hard. I know I worked with some widows and, on one-on-one too, but in general, I know that they, both of the people that I worked with, they actually went to groups as well and they found a lot of support there because people that like their families or their friends, they don't really understand that concept a lot.

They think it's just like a separation. Oh yeah. Like, or divorce and it's very different thing. Yes. That kind of thing where it's like getting over an addiction or if it's a grief support or supporting you because you have a family member who was in addiction, those kind of groups. Yes. The trauma type groups.

It's all trauma though. All of it is, yes. I, and I get that. But the

I don't know how to put it now, [00:12:00] but the abuse that most people consider as trauma, the main ones. If you put them people in a group, somebody's comparing and going, oh, well, they just had to do that thing. They should have been fine. Why are they even here? And I don't mean that. No, none of those other things are traumas.

I'm just trying to, yeah. Speak in a way that my brain will let me do. Gotcha. I feel like, again, I think everybody will, and just like in general with therapy too, I don't think one approach fits everybody. And I'm sure there are people who are judgmental. Sometimes that's a consequence of trauma too, right?

They maybe feel better of minimizing things so that other people go through so that they feel better about themselves or about what they had to endure. But I know that some people do benefit from that. I feel like it depends on the nature of the trauma, the person themselves. Right? And if what, what are their goals of dealing with the trauma?

What do they wanna accomplish? Maybe again, building that, getting, gaining that understanding from others too can [00:13:00] be useful. Is it for everybody? Definitely. No. Definitely. And as long as they understand what could happen in that group, if it's a bad group. Yes. Well, yeah, of course. Mine is more of understanding that I, yeah.

Didn't, I don't recommend it for me, like Right, because I myself can, won't do it ever again because of, like I said, but at the same time, somebody who is looking at, group therapy, who doesn't know that group thinking can be bad, right? Yeah, yeah. And stuff like that. They go into there and then you end up with a cult who, and a echo chamber who Oh yeah, no your trauma is so valid that you don't have to listen to anybody ever that says that if you blink twice, you're in the wrong Yeah.

Kind of a deal, you know? 'cause you can't end up in those situations. So it's, of course, educating somebody who's going into a group situation is important. I think it's even more than that. I think education, educating people who are leading the groups. 'cause I [00:14:00] actually do trauma group for people. But again, number one, I will never put anybody else, or their trauma bigger or on a pedestal or whatever the case.

That's not something that we should even talk about in groups. I feel like if people do wanna share, that's up to them, but they have to, for whatever reason that they wanna share, I feel like they, it's important for them to understand. Sometimes, again, people just wanna get a little affection or attention from others.

Sometimes it is just trying to gain that understanding that they never have gotten or being understood, let's say. But I feel like a lot will depend on the person guiding the group too. Mm-hmm. Because again, just like you've said about that lady that was present in that group, I don't think she is competent to lead the group altogether.

Well that was back in the nineties let's understand that, they didn't have the same look at mental health or traumas that we do now. Yeah, we've learned a lot since then. Oh, absolutely. And that's why I'm very passionate about this work because the tools we have available now are really life changing.

And they're not only life changing, they're changing the physiology where that [00:15:00] trauma resides to. And we have so much more understanding of that and the brain and how it all works within ourselves. So for sure, I feel like right now, this is a prime time to really get ahead of anything that's been holding us back if we had any type of traumatic experiences we need to resolve because we have a lot of tools available.

So one tool that I have found is there is an app, I believe it's for both Android and iPhone, and it's called Finch, like the bird. F-I-N-C-H Love this app because it lets you set daily, weekly. Maybe longer goals. I don't do that. 'cause at the moment I'm just worried about repeating daily tasks when my brain is just like, yeah, I did that yesterday.

It's fine. No, I gotta do it again. Type deal. Mm-hmm. But it will let you set goals like drink water, get outta bed. It has a bunch that it has already stored and you can just go, oh yeah, that one makes sense for me. Mm-hmm. Or you can write in your own. [00:16:00] And what it does is after you have gained so much energy from those tasks being done, then your finch gets to go on an adventure and your finch comes back and asks you a question like, did you know that volcanoes have lala?

I don't know. Mm-hmm. It's very basic, but most of the questions are very basic. And then one of the option is, yes, don't go near it, that's hot. Or you know, something else. And then it gives your finch some characteristics like curiosity, logic, that kind of thing. And, you can put it in outfits and all sorts of things.

Just trying and it's meant for you to check daily mm-hmm. To get your goals met. And, I think that would help a lot of people, especially in this situation, if you can't pay for your own, like paid account, like the [00:17:00] free account, you get plenty anyway. But the paid account they have a guardianship program that allows, people, anybody to donate money into so that somebody else can get their thing paid for however long it is. So, yeah. Yeah, this tool is pretty good. I agree with you and I've seen people use it as well. Did you, I know that you mentioned you started in like nineties, the trauma work.

Was there anything else helpful in therapy as well that you found effective for yourself? I've done a lot of cognitive behavioral therapy. Yeah. I've done a lot of talk therapy, which I do really good at because it just helps, if I spit it out, then it's out. It's not burrowing deeper into my head. So like the new stuff, like being able to talk it out and get feedback on if I did something right or if I really did screw up as best I thought I did, really helps me try to do [00:18:00] the buzzies.

That therapy, but, EMDR. Yeah. EMDR. Yes. But, I can't do the buzzies, the vibrations in my hands is not okay. Yeah. Well, they're sensitive to vibrations. I have a thing, some medical problem. That means that my nerves are already just waiting for a chance to go, oh yeah. Pain, this is right. And so the buzzes do that for me and gotta go.

Yeah. Yeah, there have other tools for EMDR too. The eye movement or the tapping too, if that's too intense, even on the feet, sometimes on your legs you can do that as well. Maybe it's not as intense. But yeah, EMDR is a great tool. CBT is amazing too. Cognitive behavioral therapy. I also highly recommend for mainly difficulties or problems, not just trauma as well.

Mm-hmm. I feel like navigating our thoughts can be very rewarding experience. 'cause everything afterwards, in life people say that I [00:19:00] wanna gain control, but we really don't have control over pretty much anything but our thoughts. So if we're able to see how do I view the situation or what meaning do I assign to that, that can help us reshape that, use a different reframe for perspective that this situation holds and then move forward feeling a little different than what we could have if we would be in that thinking trap that we get ourselves into.

'cause everything is habit and our thoughts are very habitual as well. And in most cases not very healthy habitual. Yeah. Yeah. No I don't do, how my brain is left alone will take me back to the most deepest, darkest moments of my life. And it is not exactly where I want it to go. Yeah. To try to stay busy.

Yes, because nobody wants that. So, you know how most doctors, sometimes lawyers, but mostly doctors, depending on what specialty they go in, nurses too end up with, different alphabet after their name. That can be like this long. Yes. Yeah. I have [00:20:00] that with diagnosis with mental health.

So one of those is bipolar. About two days after I was told I had bipolar, I had a therapist tell me she could cure me in a week. Actually, I think it was 30 days still can't cure me. But yeah, that was a. That was, I'm not going back to you moment. What was the method if I, if you don't mind me asking, CBT over a month?

Uhhuh. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah. I didn't go back after that first visit. They reassigned me to somebody else, and that guy liked to put me in three day stays if I blinked wrong, so that didn't last long either. How, what do you, how did it look like? So one day I mentioned that when I go to bed, I was really in a bad place at the time, but before I went to bed, I was like basically praying that I wouldn't wake up in the morning and then I would go to sleep and I would be very [00:21:00] disappointed when I woke up and I was still alive.

When you're that deep into it, like you're gonna have those thoughts. And he put me in a three day stay.

I was like, dude, look. I will put myself there if I think I'm in enough danger, but like, I'm not, this is unnecessary. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I feel like the collaboration, and that's what, again, there are certain things that we are kind of bound to follow as procedures when, you know, in this profession, but I feel like it's very important to have more of a connection with your client to really, to properly assess the risk.

Because again, it's just sometimes people feeling misunderstood. And again, I've been myself in that situation where I've been suicidal in my past. And so, there is never, I love working with people who have suicidal ideation because it's not even about relating to that experience, it's understanding how bad the pain is and what people are dealing with that.

[00:22:00] Unfortunately, as humans, again, when we think about it and it's like, I just want it to stop, but nothing is stopping that. So naturally we're gonna think about this only one endpoint that can end all of that, right? And again, that's, I'm not saying it's not, it cannot be concerning in certain cases, but at the same time, it's just wanting that whatever you're struggling with is so bad that you don't know what to do and you're just think, well, okay, I just want it to stop.

The idea is just wanting that to stop. It's not about going and acting in it, it's just having this type of feeling. And I feel like, mm-hmm. If we are there to listen to what people have to say and maybe again, even providing them with hope at the moment and saying, look, because sometimes we don't feel like that feeling can end ever when you are in it.

And again, you know how it's funny when we have positive feelings about something. We're like, okay, that's temporary. For some reason, we have more intensity about how we experience that, that we definitely know it's a temporary thing, but when it's something negative, it feels like that's gonna be turned in.

This is the reality, and that will never change. Mm-hmm. And unfortunately, [00:23:00] again, where we, when we're dealing with a lot of traumas in the past, that becomes the norm because again, you're dealing with recurrent situations that create more and more pain. And especially if we're not solving that or have limited resources on where to turn to get any type of, healing aid, so to say, it can be a very, very dark place.

And I feel like having that rapport and trying to really be there for the person. Again, I understand the requirements of the profession, but again, at least spending a little extra time trying to navigate that and create better bonds so that the other person may actually open up to hearing some hope or receiving some of that hope that you can provide as a professional.

I have and have for a long time, had a very thick wall between me and actually doing anything. Has it been scary? Sometimes, yes. Not gonna lie. That wall didn't used to be as big as thick as it is now. Okay. It has been built over years, not [00:24:00] days, not weeks, not months, years. To get as thick and as high and as wide it as it needed to be like, yeah, this isn't an option.

But for me, the reason why I ended up in, I. Foster care when I was four is my mom was an idiot and decided that she was going to attempt it with three kids in the house.

And that to me is the most. Now, please understand that if I know that people are traumatized and I know that people are going through things. My mother was not traumatized. My mom wanted to move, but didn't have the money to, so she decided this was the way to move. She's an idiot. She was an idiot.

There's no other way to say it. I do not believe that if [00:25:00] you have children in the same room as you, when you try to do something like that, that you should still be allowed to parent after that. And I know that's a strong stance to come from, but you are jeopardizing. Other lives besides your own when you do something like that, and I believe in my deepest of hearts that means you should not be able to parent those kids anymore because you have broken their trust right in front of them.

Yeah. And for me, that is why my wall is so big and thick. It's been, I'm not gonna be an idiot like my mom was. And like I said, I had a narcissist mother who thought she was righteous about everything. So for me it is more, and it could be, I'm not gonna be like my mother type deal, but at this point it's working, so I'm not gonna knock it.

Yeah. It's kept me [00:26:00] here this long. I think. Yeah, whatever works. I feel like we just have to find the way that we are gonna be able to say, okay. I actually, I. Kind of, I'm able to function in the best way I can with whatever works for me. Again, whether it's a wall, whether it's certain, you know, self care or routine or boundaries with others or whatever the case may be.

Mm-hmm. I feel like it's important just to assess. I feel like sometimes we build the walls, but then we may be again with that, where kind of postponing our own healing process for some people. 'cause I know some people struggle when they have those holes, but for some that can, that has to be a necessary thing so that you protect yourself from people like your mom.

So, well, my wall isn't between me and people. It's between you and her. My wall is between me and those thoughts and doing that thing. That's it. I see. I see. I see. It's the only thing that wall is around. Mm-hmm. I still have plenty of room for people in my life. I still talk to people all the time. Some are better than others.

Not gonna lie. Yeah. Just 'cause [00:27:00] some people are better to talk to than others. Truth be told. Yeah. But no, it's not that I, because there's a difference. For a while there, I did have walls around everything. Mm-hmm. And then, as you get more into therapy, I've been in therapy since 2014, pretty seriously the entire time.

Except for one therapist who kept telling me, I've just been through so much trauma every time I taught, told her something. Which was during COVID, which is why I didn't change therapist. It was the only, the one I could get at the time. But I realized on my own that I wasn't doing myself any good.

If I was closing out everyone and everything, like I was still gonna have to live. And did I want to live in the gray? Or did I want color back in my life? And that is when I remove the walls in certain places, but there are certain things that I will not accept. I will not [00:28:00] accept myself doing anything stupid to me.

Right. Will also not accept any kind of abuse towards me. There are things that will happen because I have a firm foundation of this is never happening to me again. Yeah. So if something does start to happen, I know the signs and I know better. Yeah. But I can still have conversations with people and learn from them and grow because of them.

Even if they are somebody who isn't quite the best, as long as they're not abusing me, I can go, oh yeah, okay. I don't wanna deal, I don't wanna look like that. I don't want that to be part of my attitude. So like, let's do some self-assessment and see if there's any of that peeking out, right?

Even through the journey of doing this podcast I said Journey. I am not a robot. I actually said that word. But, in January I put out a post to Bo in both Facebook and on a newsletter saying I was open to [00:29:00] having people on my podcast. I have had so many interviews that like my brain is dead at this point.

I have no more interviews left. But one of the girls that I interviewed with. I was trying to reassure her because she was shaking with anxiety. I was trying to reassure her that I am not somebody you need to fear. Like I'm okay. But it mostly came across as me saying, oh, you don't have to have anxiety.

And I didn't mean for that to happen. It wasn't that. It was just, Hey, I have anxiety too. I understand what you're going through. You're safe here, is what I was trying to say. Mm-hmm. Is that what came out of my mouth? No, because I have a thing with words lately and it didn't come out like that.

And she never scheduled her podcast, so she didn't feel safe with me. And I [00:30:00] understand why it's 'cause when I was trying to reassure her, I sounded more like a boomer than I meant to. Yeah. So I feel like, yeah, I feel like if you're aligned with people. I'm sure that not everybody that came over to you also kind of was the vibe you would wanna have, you know?

Yeah. Around yourself in general, whether it's your, I mean, your podcast is, your project is your baby, so of course you wanna make sure that, however you envision that's the people, you'll find the people to support this idea and this vision that you have for this kind of project, for yourself.

So maybe it's a good thing. I feel like sometimes when things. Fall out of our, like, if we have an expectation that something happens, I feel like it's for the better. And if we just keep an open mind to that and say, you know what, I'm not gonna get too stuck with that. If people didn't understand what I meant, that's fine too.

I mean, there will be people who don't understand, even, we mean with, we say something with the most love and acceptance and, trying to provide, it's okay because everybody are entitled to their opinion of themselves, the world. And even [00:31:00] me, if they have a certain view of me, that's not my job to convince them otherwise or change how they view me because that's gonna be a waste of time.

So I feel like if it doesn't meant to be great. Moving on. Yeah. Yeah. So are you again, I'm coming up. Okay. Sorry. Are you a licensed therapist or are you just a like coach that helps with trauma? I am a licensed therapist. I would highly discourage anybody to go for coaching. When it comes to trauma.

You can do more damage than good. There's a lot of standards when we talk about trauma and unfortunately coaches are not good at that. So anybody who's listening to the show, if anybody is struggling with trauma, I highly discourage them to go in cases of liability. In cases of any other, difficulties that can be [00:32:00] suicidal ideation and things of that nature.

Coaches don't have qualifications or training or experience to deal with those kind of things. But I do coaching on the side as well. I think it's more for life coaching rather than trauma coaching. Actually never heard of that and I hope I will never will hear of that. Yes, I'm not an idea professional there.

Yeah, for sure. No, I definitely, and I take my for me, that's not just a career or a job for me, it's a mission. Mm-hmm. Because I've had no one when I was going through my own healing. And so for me to be there and creating the space for people to actually go through this experience, which is.

Excruciating and awful and terrible and anger producing and shame and guilt and, well, there's so many things that tie with that experience, and I wanna make sure, again, that number one, we're the right fit. 'cause I also don't wanna make anybody, feel a certain way when they are in this space.

Right? And that's why it's all about collaboration, but I truly, I just wanna be there for others. So I take it very serious. I [00:33:00] constantly continue to seek more and more education on that level because I don't think it ever stops and the field goes forward, we learn new things, and it's very important to be up to date.

So yes, for me, it's my mission, my journey, my purpose, if you will. Okay. So I have an agreement with my therapist. Because therapists sometimes have to ask those questions, are you suicidal? Are you hearing anything that isn't there? Are you seeing anything that isn't there? And I usually tell them, Nope.

And I will tell you as soon as I do, 'cause I will be ready for my Eyeo me jacket. Usually gets a laugh out of them. Yeah. So I do that so bad that even at church, when they start talking about how the Holy Ghost speaks to you, I'm like, look, he gives me feelings of comfort. He doesn't speak to me 'cause I have an agreement with him that I have to talk to my therapist.

If I start hearing voices in my head, holy Spirit is not gonna get me sent to the [00:34:00] insane asylum. We're good. That's funny. That's funny. I have agreements all the way around that if I start hearing voices. Yeah, pretty much. I'm ready to go to the batted room. Mm-hmm. I'll be fine. That's good.

That's a good, I guess you guys have a very good rapport since you've been working. It's been for a while. Since you have that therapist. The therapist I currently have, I have had for about three years now. Okay. Just about this coming month? Yeah. In May it'll be like three years, may or June. What made you to stay with this therapist for that long?

Is there anything that you discovered out of this relationship that actually gave you that, you know what, I'm gonna work with you. So I don't like having to retell this to the timeline of events of my life and every time you go to a new therapist, you have to sit down and go, okay, this is why I'm here.

This is why I need therapy. These are all the events that have contributed to me being me. [00:35:00] That is actually like a three day project for me. Right. I don't like switching therapy therapist unless I absolutely have to like when I'm moving. The one in Texas would have been changed sooner if it was an in person thing, but it was online and so, I just dealt with it while we were going through the pandemic.

Every single time I said something new, you've just been through so much trauma and I don't know about you, that's not exactly helpful. It's kind of dismissive of what I've been through. It's kind of go, oh well yeah, you did have all that stuff happen. No crap. I already know about all this stuff that happened.

It's right there in my head. But my therapist now, she's great. She, I mean like on the weeks where I needed to be like, supers, there's a problem. Like there was this week, then she's, she's like, okay. And we [00:36:00] seriously like attack that problem on other weeks where I just don't know what to talk about.

'cause my brain is just on mush. We just talk. And it's been good for me to have that time to and place to be able to say things that I can't say anywhere else. Yeah. Makes sense. 'cause I don't trust them being out anywhere else. Yeah. Yeah. Makes sense. Yeah. What do you feel like, what are some attributes of your current therapist that made you like really have that connection with her?

Well, she has a sense of humor. Which is needed when I start talking because I have a very dark sense of humor. I have the military type, I've never been in the military. I'm not a, I'm not that. But I was around enough. I was a military brat. So I get the dark humor and everything and I have that and she just laughs at me all the time.

It's fun. Mm-hmm. But, she also, [00:37:00] when it's time to be serious, she's not somebody who goes. And how does that make you feel? Because I'm gonna tell you that question alone will make me feel a rage that you do not want me to feel. Right. I hate that question for some reason. It's just absolutely the least helpful question anybody has ever come up with in the entire life of man.

And we've equipped therapists to go out and keep saying it to people and expect them not to rage on us. Like what? No. There's a sense of why that happens in general. If we don't know how it fell throughout that we don't know what that meant to you. So again, your feelings will determine how you thought about that.

Mm-hmm. I'm not saying, again, I feel like you should, I'm not sure if I'm thinking back into my practice. I don't think I asked that question in that way, but I would like to know what they experienced through that. Mm-hmm. What was the consequence? Yeah, like having questions. I don't mind having questions.

Right. If [00:38:00] you ask questions that are based off of what I've just said, instead of just being a general boilerplate question, I don't like those. Yeah. I don't wanna be grouped in as everybody else, right? Like, you're not supposed to ask me the same questions as everybody else because something different has happened with me.

Probably Absolutely right. Absolutely. Yeah. Every time, every person is unique, so for sure. Mm-hmm. But like, she'll ask me questions and once she understands, she doesn't try to solve it for me, she'll ask me, and I sometimes need the question asked. Okay, so what is the first step to get out of this?

Because I learned that if I think about one step at a time I can do it. Okay. But if I start looking at the big whole picture of everything, my brain turns to much and I am completely overwhelmed by everything. But of course, so she'll ask me those questions, but she'll also [00:39:00] ask so what do you want to happen now?

Or how is this different from when this other person did it back then? You know. She knows enough about all of my trauma to know that this thing here might be connected to that thing back there and can ask if I'm connecting it myself or if only my trauma is Yeah, because your trauma will connect everything It can to everything.

It can. And then you're sitting there going, but I was only mad 'cause I stubbed my toe. And yet, you're like sobbing because you did this once before and everybody ignored you. Yeah. Yeah. And so your trauma connected that without you being aware that you're trauma connected it. I feel like also what's important is just like you mentioned, right?

I feel like. Number one, that comes probably from self-awareness as well of to know when a certain thing can again, trigger. Let's say, if not necessarily like asking a question, [00:40:00] what did you feel from that? Mm-hmm. Or what are you feeling when you talk about it? That may not be necessarily triggering for a lot of people, but it may trigger some uncomfortable emotions in certain individuals.

And so I feel like it's also, 'cause again, we always have to like, expect that the other person will fix the problems or they know how to do it, but they don't necessarily, they have, you have to teach them how to work with you. Mm-hmm. So, and that's why I always talk to anybody. I start when I'm working with them and we're just, again, opening session.

First time I say, look, I'm a human. I may say things that may come out as weird or strange or whatever else. So please, if you hear something you feel weird about or something that's uncomfortable, address me because I never come out of disrespect. But again. I'm a human. So I don't know, sometimes things may come out that may be triggered specifically for you.

So just tell 'em and say, can you elaborate on that? Or, you know, what? That question really makes me uncomfortable. You have to, because again, otherwise another person will continue to trigger you and then you don't have that kind of union to do this work. 'cause you need to have this rapport and trust with your therapist.

But it [00:41:00] also depend, again the client has responsibility also to voice when certain things are not all right with for them or with them. Mm-hmm. So there's a couple things I recommend for everybody. One thing is my therapist calls me the most self-aware person she's ever met with as many issues as I have.

So there's that. I'm not trying to say that I'm better than anybody or anything like that, but I do try to figure out myself where, what trauma is linking itself to so that I can figure it out. Sometimes it is just, it's hitting too deep and I need to talk it out, and the person I'm talking to needs to know enough about my story that they can help me.

Okay? And the one thing that I recommend for anybody who's looking for a therapist or whatever is make sure whoever you get matched with as soon as possible, that you feel like you can trust them or that you can grow to trust them as you start [00:42:00] working with them. If you walk into the room and are immediately scathed out and want to leave, leave.

Leave. Yeah. Nobody's gonna get mad except for maybe that therapist for a minute, but they're not gonna come after you go to the front desk and say, I can't work with that person. I need to have an appointment with somebody else. Please. Yeah, I mean, there can be a lot of, I agree with you, there can be a lot of different trigger I would recommend to, to just go through the first time. And just because again, a lot of people, when we're talking about trauma and any consequence of it, we're already talking about the sympathetic dominance where people are in a state of co constant hypervigilance and they're always expecting a threat. And sometimes that we can assign that to a therapist, but it can be associated with the, you know, the curtains or a table or a couch or things like that.

Mm-hmm. So I feel like moment, if you get those kind of, right away, some feeling that it's uncomfortable, again, you're coming to a new place too. So we have to give it a little bit of a credit that, again, sometimes things can just trigger you in [00:43:00] that way, but getting through the first time you have to talk to someone to understand that.

But for that, mm-hmm. They have consultations ahead of time. 'cause I have, most of my clients, I connect with them before we actually have the first session and we talk about what are they going through, how I can, or what I can do for them or what I offer. And in general, the therapy. And usually by the end of our call, people like, well, you know what, I really, I really like you.

I feel like. I wanna give it a shot. Okay, cool. Let's gather for the first session and go through that. I've never had a place that did that. I was always just assigned a therapist and told to work with them. For me, I don't like working with males. I don't feel comfortable being alone in a room with a male.

Never mo nevermind telling them all of the things that have happened to me in my life. So if I was about to get put into a room with a male therapist, I don't care about his personality, I'm leaving. I'm not having that first meeting. So that's, there's that usually I wait [00:44:00] to see if it's the person giving me the awe.

No. 'cause I did have that happen in Washington state. One of the therapists I was given was just like, I'm sure there's nothing wrong with you. And I got up and left in the middle of the therapy session, told the front desk, I'm not working with this person. You need to send me to, you need to give me somebody else.

Yeah. Because it was just horribly bad. But basically you have to trust the person you're working with, whether that means you only work with females or you only work with males. Mm-hmm. Some females who have been through trauma only trust male people to talk to. Some people who have been through trauma only want a female to talk to.

Yeah. No matter what sex they are. And the same with the other one. I didn't mean to mean it would only be females going to a guy. Some guys go through stuff with females and they don't wanna be in a room with another female alone either because the last time that happened, they said they got beat up or whatever.

So [00:45:00] going to a male is more realistic, but males are less frequent in therapy circles than females. So you might have to do some work to find one. Yeah. Number two, be prepared. The first I'd say three, two to five therapy sessions are getting to know you. Sessions. You don't know the therapist, they don't know you.

I have to set up straight off the bat. I'm not gonna do anything stupid. You have to trust me that when I say I'm gonna throw punch somebody that I don't actually mean I'm gonna throw punch somebody. It's just something I say as a release of tension. It's not actually something I have ever done, nor will I ever do it.

I'm not stupid. Right. Just kind of verbally weird. It's a thing. But you have to be prepared for those first couple of therapy sessions to [00:46:00] be all about your traumas, however many there are. And as much information as you can give them off the bat or as little information as you feel comfortable.

It's kind of in that range. But you kind of go over all of that so that they can then do the books to say, yes, I have a reason to see this therapist. And then your insurance will cover it if you have insurance. Or they, there are programs out there where insurance is paid for. I don't know all of them.

Yeah. Yeah. I think it depends on the person too. And again, sometimes I actually don't go into traumas right away. General, unless the person wants to go in there. 'cause that can be counterproductive. Because again, if you don't have the tools, how to self-regulate or how, again, you've been in therapy for a long time.

Mm-hmm. So maybe for you it's like, okay, I'm going in. I know I have a lot of things going on. I wouldn't recommend it. As a general recommendation for people listening, I don't think it's worth to try to go into that because if you don't have self-regulation, you'll be even more disturbed after the first session.

You will never go [00:47:00] back while again. That could have been avoided if you used more information on the strengthening your coping skills, learning, grounding, learning. 'cause again, nothing good comes out of sympathetic dominance if we're in that sympathetic nervous system. So learning skills of how to manage yourself is the first prerequisite for me to go into a trauma for the person.

But again, everybody's different. So I feel like people just have to listen to themselves, what they're willing to talk about and ready and uh, but taking flow would be my recommendation. I've had to use a lot of state run therapist, not the current one. Mm-hmm. But I have in the past, and they are required to have a reason for you to be in therapy.

And so the first question outta their mouth is, why are you here? And that generally is because I've been this, I've been dotted, I've been this, I've been dotted. It's kind of a list. Sometimes it's very minimal. Other therapists want a little more information on each thing that you've said. They'll ask [00:48:00] questions, they'll do things and then they have their reason.

So they have, like I said, they have their paperwork that they can put in and either the state or insurance will then cover your therapy from then on out. Yeah. If you're going to a private therapist that, like you said, that might be completely different story. I've never gone to a completely private therapist, so I wouldn't know.

I don't think anybody, I mean general guidelines, again, if people are specializing in trauma, because some people I. May not specialize in that and they are trying to dig again. That's definitely not recommended to go into that, whether it's a state operated or it's a private thing because insurance works for everyone.

And so I feel like just mentioning that the person had previous trauma associated with this and that, without going into detail can be the healthiest thing we can do. So no, it's not a requirement to go deep into the trauma unless the person just wants to. Get nosy, I would say, or I don't know.

Another reason, know, there's usually a couple of questions for clarification. I'm not saying they're going [00:49:00] deep diving right off the bat. Right. I'm saying they're gonna ask some questions to make sure they understand what they're working with. So, it's, yeah, it's a sec biosocial assessment. That's pretty much the first thing that anybody would do in order to assess again, the background.

And again, that doesn't have to be necessarily trauma. It can be about, again, certain things. How would you describe your childhood? Your household or your childhood altogether? Right. And people can go on if they have a lot going on there, but it's not, they can just describe with one word will was chaotic.

Okay. That's already, it's gonna give a lot of thoughts and perspective to a clinician or how to address and where you can be working on. Mm-hmm. And then just going over the system symptoms. I feel like sometimes the best way is why are you here? And how do you feel like. Certain things are impacting your life right now.

What do you feel like that you wanna change? Well, I wanna not be overly anxious, or I don't wanna, I wanna be able to build more connection, or I have a drift with, my family or whatever the case. Mm-hmm. So just go in your symptoms again, people don't have to go deep. I feel [00:50:00] like sometimes, again, people feel like some people may need to just spit it out and just, they just wanna talk about it, and that's great.

It's up to them. But in a lot of ways what we know now about trauma, the talk therapy is not the best thing for them in general, just because we're reliving that we're not changing it or we're not trying to heal that when we talk about it, they're just. Comes up in your system. 'cause again, trauma resides in your physiology.

It's a neural connections that's been created through those traumatic experiences that are keeping you trapped. So I feel like allowing yourself some time to warm up and then also feel safe in the presence of the therapist when you're talking about that trauma too. 'cause again, a lot of times I know people, I've had crazy situations when people are coming and saying, well, I was told I'm unfixable.

I was like, you know, that's ridiculous. This is just mind blowing to me. If somebody ever said that, I understand you may not align with the client or you may have different perspective or whatever, different opinions mm-hmm. What they're dealing with. But that's so unethical and maybe even should be illegal for somebody of this [00:51:00] profession to say something like that.

So again, I feel like a lot of people even get traumatized through trying to get trauma. So I feel like, again, learning as much as possible about the profession you go for, I. As well and seeing what are they, because again, we always have a bio going with that. Maybe you will align with the way they do counseling.

Maybe you'll see something that you'll like. Then again, I highly recommend a consultation to get more understanding on that. And just even listening to someone else's voice, you're like, oh, you know what? I actually feel heard. I feel like the person's understanding me. They even gimme some, food for thought.

Okay, great. I'm gonna give it a shot. It's not a certain, yes, and I feel like, just like we go to, let's say, do our nails or to a hairdresser, I mean, how many do we have to try sometimes in order to find our practitioner that we'll trust with, our beauty stuff for per se, the same happens with mental health professional.

Mm-hmm. We have to be able to, it may not be the first or second, or even third. Sometimes it takes a few attempts to find the person that you'll resonate with and that you feel like you [00:52:00] want to go forward with. But yeah, I feel like there should be a lot of groundwork before deciding whether this is the right path.

And if you really are here and you're willing to open up in front of that person, you feel like you can trust them with your own dark secrets. You know, dark things that you never told anybody. Okay. The other thing that I do recommend is finding when you have a, once you have figured out if you like a therapist, you then have to make sure that they're going to understand you.

Like I said, I can tell my therapist, I'm going to jab somebody in the throat with my fist and she knows that I'm just talking things out. She is, yeah. She knows there's a little bit of anger there, but it's mostly it goes up a dust. I'm not actually going to hurt anybody. And for mandated reporters, understanding that your therapist isn't going to put you in a three day stay because you sneeze is a good [00:53:00] idea.

Yeah. Building that trust, making sure they know that, hey, I may scare myself sometimes, and if I do scare myself, I will do the appropriate thing and go there myself. Mm-hmm. But if I'm fighting and I don't wanna be forced to go there because you think that's what's best because I'm doing what I need to do type thing.

Yeah. Not only that, but if you can't say every once in a while in therapy that you, that you wish somebody was dead and not end up in the crazy farm, you have to find somebody who understands how you're speaking to them. Because I speak to my therapist just like I speak to everybody else.

I'm not doing anything special. Except knowing that this isn't going to became a rumor if I say it to the wrong person, she knows that when I say those kinds of things or when I'm upset and I'm like, this person can go jump off a [00:54:00] bridge. It's not like I'm gonna help them. I didn't even say that.

So it's not a thing that needs to be reported because it's not act. Nothing's gonna come of it. I have no, I am here to help people. I am not here to actually throw people off bridges or punch them in the throat or anything like that. Yeah. I just have a personality where I need to say the bad thing so that I can get that kind of anger out and instead of letting it fester and do weird things inside my head.

Yeah. Well, I mean, that's a very. I understand where kind of you're coming from, and I'm glad that your professional knows you very well. But again, it's been three years. Mm-hmm. Unfortunately, a lot of us are bound Yeah. By the regulations that we have to follow. So again, people shouldn't be, or taking that to, they don't have to come back to that.

But again, we are bound by law. Again, it's not just because we don't understand, but certain things we have to report, even though I would definitely [00:55:00] discuss that and see where that's coming from. But again unfortunately we are bound by law in that case. And I also, I don't wanna lose my license if something happens.

And I know a lot of people can miss the signs too. So we can take those statements slightly. That's why that law wasn't placed. Those of the people I'm talking about aren't even in the same state as me, which is how we're all very aware that I'm not gonna do anything. Anyway, but just the fact that I'm me and the way I say things, it may seem off like you, you might report me at least once or twice for saying something like that, and then you get, oh, well, she's just saying that she didn't actually, again, it's better be saved than sorry, isn't it?

Again, we're talking about, think about counseling again, we have those things. Mm-hmm. For a reason. It's not because people decided that it should be it. I'm saying again, there's always a discussion that goes before that, but again, there were instances where those threats were missed or again, minimized and that caused other people.

Okay. [00:56:00] So in my book mm-hmm. And some therapists that I've talked to before is eyes. There's a difference between saying something and the intent to do something right. It can be. It can be. I'm not saying it always is. It can be. Yes. And so, and I don't go into every single appointment and start saying, I'm gonna punch people because I'm not, that's not what I mean.

That's good. But my therapist also knows me enough that, if I come in agitated, obviously this is gonna be one of those days where I'm mad about something. Right? And some things may be said in the heat of that, that I don't really need. Yes. Nobody I work with lives in the same state as me.

If I'm frustrated as somebody, they prob they're for sure nowhere near me. Second of all, I leave my house twice a week. I am borderline agoraphobic. I'm not going [00:57:00] after anybody. Okay. That's, there are things, and there's situations and things to know like that make more sense about why somebody wouldn't be like, oh yeah, she's gonna go on a rampage because, no.

Yeah. But the context is relevant. So that's the thing again, I mean, we cannot just put out there and give Yeah. No, no, no. I'm not saying, people say whatever they wanna say therapist on day two and tell her you wanna throat punch somebody because that might not lead to the best outcome. Exactly. Right, right.

So I feel like context matters and how well you already work with the therapist and they should know and Of course, yeah. That's for sure. Yeah. Yeah. So there's all those things. And like I said, I have an alphabet of names after mine, of letters after my name Yes. Of mental health problems.

I may say something, but I'm not stupid enough to go do something and. Pretty much, my therapist knows that She'll just kind of gimme a look and I'll go, I'm not gonna do anything. And she goes, yeah, I know, [00:58:00] but I have to give you that look for a second. But she gives me the look for a second.

But, which is all in good fun. But what my point was first you wanna find a therapist that you feel comfortable with. Yeah. Second, you want to feel like you can talk to them in a way that makes sense for you and that they aren't going to then think if you're not the type of person who could, would whatever.

Yeah. Do anything. You want to make sure that you have a relationship with them that you trust so that you can go back to them and tell them about your traumas in a way that maybe you haven't said to anybody else, so that you can actually get the help that you need. Yeah. And while that's happening, you may be saying, you know, I'm having nightmares where.

I'd punch somebody in the face. Yeah, that's a nightmare. That doesn't literally mean you're going to do that. So there's differences and there's context. But for me, I like to be [00:59:00] comfortable, of course, with my therapist. I want to be able to talk to my therapist and have them not exactly go, oh yeah, I know exactly what you mean.

Because sometimes they just can't. Because even if they had been through as much trauma as I have been through, it wouldn't be the same kind of trauma because it wouldn't be my trauma. Yes. Because I agree my trauma is my trauma and yours is yours and theirs is theirs. And everybody's got a bite of that cookie.

But only some, in each person's cookie was different though always. Maybe somebody is allergic to chocolate. So they had I don't know. Peanut butter on him or something. Look there's all those different ways that life is different from one person to the next. And so is trauma different from one person to the next and one therapist is different from the next.

You cannot go up to this. I couldn't especially [01:00:00] go up to some random therapist and just be like, yeah, I wanna like throat punch this person because they asked me 16 times how to do something and still couldn't figure it out. They'd be like, I'm gonna have to call the cops on you. And if I was stupid enough to do that, I would have to respect that because that was stupid, right?

Yeah. Just find somebody you actually trust. I can tell you the damage done from therapists I didn't trust was a lot more Yeah. Than the healing from the therapist. I did trust you don't trust them if you don't feel comfortable around them. If there is some problem with them, maybe you can't put your finger on it.

Maybe you've gone through one or two visits with them and you still just are not comfortable with them. Yeah. Then go to the front office and say, you need a different therapist. Yes. Nobody's gonna get mad [01:01:00] and you're gonna get a different therapist to work with. Yes. And the other thing, if you are somebody who takes meds because of your mental health, don't stop taking them just because you had a fight with your therapist or you had to change therapists.

So now you think you don't need your meds until you're with another therapist. That is not true. And that could set you back way farther than anything else in your life. Don't mess with the meds. If you think that there is a medicine giving you an adverse reaction, either go to the hospital if it's an emergency, or go back to your meds doctor as soon as you can, and you have that discussion.

Do not randomly take yourself off of drugs. Do not randomly put yourself onto different drugs. Just don't do anything without having a talk with that meds doctor or without your regular doctor knowing what meds you're on for mental health. Yes, that's a beautiful advice for sure. [01:02:00] Yes. Mm-hmm. There are meds that I don't like taking, but you, I still take them.

So I have a headache med that is messing with how I talk, which is why I can't find words half the time, but I still take the medication because of something that's necessary for my body. Do I appreciate it? Do I like it? No. But I will do what I have to. Yes. Also, if you're having nightmares and anxiety, there are medications that can help with those.

I have a medication that I'm on for those and it has help me tremendously. So talk to your med doctor and figure that out. Yes. Medical device is always recommended when it comes to any type of, medications. Indeed. Yeah. Talk to the doctor. Don't go off of commercials [01:03:00] or anything else.

Talk to the doctor who prescribes your actual meds and say, Hey, I heard that there's a medication for nightmares because of my PTSD. Can I have that please? It's a discussion. Mm-hmm. That needs to be had sometimes. I didn't even know about it until I moved here to 10. I'm not in Tennessee, Arkansas.

You moved a lot it seems. You already named a few states that I've been here with you and I can only imagine how many more times you've moved. I have lived in or been to every state in the US except for Alaska and Hawaii. Oh wow. Why? Look, I'm a military brat. Like the whole East coast was a thing.

Washington State, that was the thing. That's where the navy ships go. And then crisscrossing the US to get to said places and [01:04:00] yeah. And now like I'm in Arkansas. I didn't live in Arkansas when I was a kid. I lived in it now. Nice. Okay. Do you like it? So my last name does not make living here very comfortable.

My last name is Walton. Oh. And Arkansas is home of the Waltons. Mm-hmm. So everybody always says, I have two questions for you. And I go, no. I don't know where John boy is and no, I know I'm not that rich. Can you, my clothes? Do you really think somebody with fricking money is wearing my clothes?

Hey everyone. Thanks for sticking with us. Before we dive into our next topic, I just wanna take a quick moment to remind you two who like this video, subscribe to our channel and hit that notification bell. That way you'll always be the first to know when a new episode drops, and we want to hear from you.

What topics [01:05:00] are you most excited about? Drop your thoughts in. The comments below. Your feedback helps us create content that you love. We've got some exciting stuff coming your way, so don't miss out. Now let's switch gears and jump into our next discussion.

So we are gonna talk about how to find your niche audience in business. Obviously this would not be how to find your niche audience of therapists.

This is not how that works. Although therapists are a niche, so if you're doing work for troubled teens or something, one of the connections you would want to make would be therapists. Yeah. Because they help them. Okay? So you have just opened a business. You want to help somebody do something. Great, a whole lot at this [01:06:00] point.

This also comes in handy for your marketing, not just, oh, I just started a business. Who am I going to sell to? Type deal it. Marketing helps, it helps them get targeted to be able to put the right posts on the right social media to get the numbers that you're looking for. So what is your business about?

So who is it that would, no, let's go. Okay. So what is your business about? Is your business about dry cleaning? Okay, so your niche is probably going to be business people, men and women who need, who have dry, clean only apparel so you know exactly where to go. Now go target them. Business men and women.

Also people with more money need people who do dry [01:07:00] cleaning because they have more outfits in general that need to be dry cleaned than the average person. I know me, nothing in my wardrobe doesn't needs dry cleaning. Nothing because I would not, I'd ruin it, I'd put it in the washing machine.

But, so like upper middle class to rich would need dry cleaning as well as business men and women who have suits and other things that are dry, clean only. So let's say you have a business that maybe you're a contractor. Okay. Either a roofing contractor or a building contractor. Electrical, plumbing, any of those kind of networkers or contractors, right?

So you need a lot of leads to keep your business up and running. First [01:08:00] of all, every project manager should be in BNI so that you can get leads through there. BNI is business Networking International. They have groups all over the us. They have a lot of groups all over the US and you can get into one if you are a contractor, they have multiple slots open, like roofer General, they probably will let electrician in still and all those.

So, yeah. And then now you know what, you know, if you're an electrician, you're, you wanna be working with contractors and just people, right? So again, the BNI helps with business connections and you Facebook ads and stuff can help with. Your social media and help regular people find you. There is a building inspector [01:09:00] for in Arizona who goes in with a camera and does all these inspections on houses and stuff.

And he is like, that's not how that's supposed to be. And that's not how that's supposed to be. And yeah, that's gonna cost somebody some money. You know, that kind of thing. Mm-hmm. When he's doing his inspections, because he really wants people to new homes. You should not have a new home that's gonna fall apart in 10 days because the windows are about to leak.

'cause they're, they crack them, the plastic molding in the corners and stuff. So there's that. But he's got a huge following on social media because people. Love that he is just kind of showing this could go wrong with your house. Make sure you get a building inspector to look at it. Mm-hmm. And not just anything else from experience.

I've worked with a couple roofers. We had a problem come up [01:10:00] once when the builders were still, you know, not letting the homeowners have the property. They kept saying they still had things to do. And we got asked to go out and do a roof inspection. That roof was put on with no underlayment, which in the place we were at in Tennessee, which required, so I call and the guy was like, no, it's not required.

It's not required. They don't inspect for that. It's not required. And so I went, I called the the inspector's office and was like so is underlayment required on a roof? And he's like, yes it is. What property are you talking about? I was like, oh no, I don't wanna get anybody in trouble.

No, you need to tell me now. And so, he got into trouble for that. They inspected it and they found that he didn't have the right stuff done, so he ended up having to redo the roof. And then that called into question all of the other builds he had done. So they all re got [01:11:00] reinspected. I'm not sure about what happened to any of those properties, but he probably had to redo stuff.

So in order to find your target audience, first of all, you want to know what makes sense for what you're doing, right? If you're a business coach, you're not gonna go, oh yeah, I wanna target teen moms. How does you being a business coach connect with you being with teen moms? It doesn't make any sense.

It's obviously not anything you would want to do. So make sure if you're doing almo, Omni Gmy, I may have said that wrong. You know, the little animals that people crochet. Yeah. If you're doing that, you may not want to start targeting 50-year-old men.

You may not get the response you're hoping for if you do that. [01:12:00] So it's a, it's kind of one of those. Also, AI has been a huge help in getting this kind of information all rolled up. There's a sentence you can ask it to give you after it knows what you're doing and all that, and you can say I help blank.

With blank so they can blank.

So I help business owners with tasks so they can work on their business instead of in their business. Once you have that sentence, you have an easy way to introduce who you are and what you do. Mine has been very difficult because I do like 20 different things, but it's getting better.

You also, once you know who you're targeting, you [01:13:00] want to make sure. Testing. So you can do AB testing and stuff like that. You wanna make sure that you've done it right. All your information is right. This should be your target audience. Now let's do a test. Is it really this, audience that you picked this 20 year olds?

Or should it be 30 year olds owning their first home who need an electrician, a plumber, a, a, a carpenter, whatever, right? It's probably gonna be the 30 year olds, not the 20 year olds that need home inspection and all that other information. Very rarely nowadays, is it 20 year olds that get to buy homes?

Not saying that's proper. Just saying what is. Yeah. So you see it at a later age, so mid thirties maybe, and older would be right. Probably maybe thirties, whatever. You figure that out and actually what chat GPT can do once you know who you want [01:14:00] to help. So I help homeowners with electrical problems so they know they're not gonna get electrocuted in their sleep.

Pretty good one, right? Yeah. Yes. So that you take that and you feed it into chat GPT and you say, make me a customer avatar. Adv, yeah. Did I say that right? Avatar. Yeah. Yeah. Like my brain just said, no, you did that wrong. And you can tell it, cell chat, GPT, all the information about your business, like I said, and have that one sentence and say, give me two to four customer avatars so that I know who to focus my business after.

And then what chat GPT will do is so awesome. What it's going to do, it's gonna go, okay, John [01:15:00] Jones is a 30 5-year-old ad exec who needs this help for this reason. And this would be a code customer because if you age, workplace, name, all of that so that you can see an actual person start to be built up in your mind, and that's who you're selling to.

Or I did a motorcycle thing recently and they were like, Jennifer Jones loves, riding three wheelers. And I was like, awesome. And then, you've got your motorcycle dudes who want Harley's or whatever, but it will tell you a name, an age, that kind of thing to try and give you a profile like you would see on Facebook, like a profile so that you know, okay, so if I'm targeting this person and they like this thing, how do I get them to buy my [01:16:00] product?

And you can actually then go to chat GBT and go, okay, so Jennifer Jones is my target for this ad campaign. I'm about to run. And she likes three wheelers. But there's snow on the ground. What would she switch to if there was snow on the ground? And then chat, GPT can give you a whole kind of a help to get you started with ideas from there.

Probably a snowmobile and stuff like that so that they can ride on the snow. I'm not an outdoorsy person. This has very much gone off the topic of things I can help with. But Chad GPT can give you that information and then you grow that inf you grow more information as you can. Oh, well, Jennifer Jones loves spaghetti.

I don't know how you came to that conclusion. Whatever works for you. And then maybe you could try to see what restaurants and stuff are [01:17:00] around where somebody would go snowmobiling to say, Hey, why don't you collab with me on a. On an ad and I will say, you know, like our custom avatar would definitely come eat it to your place and let's just make this a thing.

And now you've got recommends that you're giving somebody and you're both making more money.

Obviously that was a look my for stances can get really weird. Go with whatever you feel is better for your peoples, obviously, but it's not. And some people are like, well why are you letting AI do all the work? I'm not, I'm allowing them to tell me who the person, the exact person is, the one out of, what 1 billion on the planet that I should sell to.

And then I gather more information with the information you get from statistics, analytics on Facebook and all the other [01:18:00] platforms. And then you take that information and you go, okay, yeah, she's in the right aid range. You know what? These people here who were looking at our thing then went to look at lasagna.

So, hey, they like Italian food. Maybe if we find a really good snowboarding spot, we can also get them to go to the restaurant as well. And then, because it's a collab thing, you both, both places end up making money.

There's a lot more to it that I'm not saying. But the easiest, start with that part and you'll be able to, your business coach should be able to help you from there. Get the rest.

Yeah.

I mean, it's been useful. I feel like everybody, I mean it's a very necessary steps that I feel like [01:19:00] all of us need to take, especially if, you have your own career or business that you're running. Of course.

And I feel like getting education on that too, whether, you know from information through podcasts, maybe again, getting yourself some courses regarding that too. I feel like it's very useful to learn marketing tools and strategies to, again, locate who you are actually selling to or who you wanna target.

So yeah, all of this is for sure useful for anybody who is in the business, and we all know that we all have those niches or where we operate, that we need to know exactly who the audience is and find the right solutions to get there. Yeah.