The Inner Work Behind Outer Success: Fear, Safety & Self-Awareness

Jennifer Fidder joins Nikki to talk about how hypnosis helps entrepreneurs move past fear, perfectionism, and imposter syndrome. They unpack how the subconscious mind keeps us "safe" through procrastination, how trauma shapes mental patterns, and how mindset work is essential for business success. This powerful episode blends practical insight with deeply personal stories.

 

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Jennifer Fidder
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Speaker 3: [00:00:00] Welcome everybody. Welcome everybody. My name is Jennifer Fitter. I'm a social psychologist and hypnotist, and I'm so happy to be here today. My main focus is on helping others overcome their fears, doubts, and insecurities, so they can be more empowered, more confident, and finally get unstuck in their business.

So let's get to it. That was great. 

Speaker 4: Thank you.

So my first question is usually how do you start, how do I start? How do you start helping people? How do you connect with people?

Speaker 3: The beginning of it all. So what I usually have, the funny thing about hypnosis is usually when you have a problem in your life, the first person you think of to help you solve that problem is not a hypnotist.

You're not like, I have X, Y, Z problem, let me call a hypnotist. [00:01:00] That's not what happens, right? So people come to me once they tried everything else. Hypnosis is kind of like their last resort. Maybe a friend mentioned it or they've seen it somewhere and they're like, Ugh, why not? What can happen? And that's the people that I get, right?

So what I like to do is I like to schedule a consultation call. Simply to find out, okay, where are you in your business right now or in your life? Because sometimes like as business owners, life and business kind of goes together, right? And it's not always that we can really separate it. So where are you stuck right now?

Where do you feel you need to go to the next level but you can't? Or where are you feeling your fears are holding you back? Where are you procrastinating? Where do you feel imposter syndrome? Because those are all the symptoms that usually come up that are symptoms of underlying fears. So if I have somebody who's like, you know what?

I do everything but working [00:02:00] on my business. I clean the out the refrigerator five times a week. I bring the skis to school, even though they could walk themselves, things like that. Okay. That is a symptom of something that's underneath. So in that consultation call, we kind of try to figure out what is it that is actually holding you back?

Then when we decided, okay, this is where you are and this is where you want to be, that's when we schedule the actual first se, session. And that's where we then start making the changes. But the first step is always really becoming clear on what is it actually that is holding you back? 

Speaker 4: Is there a common fear or is there, what is like the easy one? I don't know, hypnosis all that well. So let's start with that. So my idea of hypnosis is all those stupid TV shows that used to ping people or make them walk like a Look, dude, you're not [00:03:00] making me look squawk like a chicken. Like, I'm not gonna allow that.

So, I mean, I make a fool of myself all on my own. I don't need any help. So how do you, do people have that fear and how do you get past it? Mm-hmm. 

Speaker 3: So, yeah, that you are totally right. Most people when they think of hypnosis, they think of stage hypnosis. That's what it's called like, because that is what you usually see on tv.

Like people are just coming up on stage and they're gonna be put to sleep and they do stupid things. But that is a form of hypnosis that is there for entertainment purposes, that is there to make fun of you and have fun with you. That has nothing to do with transformational hypnosis. Transformational hypnosis is there, which is also different from therapeutic hypnosis, right?

Therapists also do hypnosis, but that's also different ballgame. So what we're doing is called transformational hypnosis. So what we basically do is we offer [00:04:00] different perspectives to our clients. Because what happens is when you have any kind of problem, you're usually stuck in a certain way that you see this problem, and it doesn't allow you to come from a different angle, have different perspectives on it.

So if I'm able to get your subconscious mind to understand, hey, there's a different way to see this and a different way to approach this, then all of a sudden it's like this aha moment where you're like, oh, of course. And then change automatically becomes very fast and very easy, and you're like, what just happened?

Why did I struggle with this for 10 years? Because you simply weren't able to change your perspective. And that's what I want people to understand. It's, and it's also another misconception that a lot of people have is this, the hypnotist goes into my mind, like, I don't want anybody to take control of my mind, right?

That is actually not what happens either. We are [00:05:00] just facilitators. We show you how your subconscious mind works. We allow you to access it because most of the time we're not aware of anything that's going on underneath. We're just like kind of running on autopilot. So we are enabling you to access this part of your mind so that you can then make the changes yourself.

I'm actually not the one who's making the changes. I'm just there. I'm just helping you. I'm supporting you, but you are the one who's doing the actual work. So that's what's happening. 

Speaker 4: That sounds much better than squashing like a chicken. Yes. Yes, I agree. 

Speaker 3: I totally agree. 

Speaker 4: So do you help people online or in person or both?

Speaker 3: Since we have been traveling for the past three years, I kind of moved all my business online and I kept it that way simply because it's more convenient for myself and for the client as well. Like, they don't have to leave the house, they don't have to go anywhere. [00:06:00] And the form of hypnosis that I use is non-trans based, meaning I'm not doing this whole and now you're gonna fall asleep thing.

But my client is fully awake during the session, which makes Zoom sessions a lot easier. So it's just very convenient for all of us. 

Speaker 4: Okay. So you just mentioned the wiggling thing. Is that something that is used in different therapies or is that just something that was made up for tv?

Speaker 3: That is definitely used. That's one form of induction. Like induction, you name everything, where you're actually like bringing people into a different state of mind like this, putting you to sleep. And one thing is the pendulum where you just follow with your eyes because if you have lateral eye movements, it kind of, activates the subconscious mind, if you will.

Activate is the wrong word, I mean, like it gives you access to that part of your mind. Yes. It's a thing.

Tell, tell me what you're [00:07:00] thinking.

Speaker 4: I am pretty sure there will be times that you tell somebody that you can't help them. Do you have any situations that it's automatic? Like if there's too much trauma or if there's something else happening that you just say, this is not something I can help you with. You have to go to like the therapist hypnosis, definitely.

Or go get embarrassed on a stage. 

Speaker 3: I always emphasize that I'm a social psychologist and a hypnotist. I'm not a social, like, not a psychotherapist, okay? So I do not do therapy. So if I, and that's another reason why I have consultations with you, I, if I have the feeling okay, we are dealing with any kind of mental illness, any kind of, trauma that goes so far that it really has to be, because we all have trauma in our lives, right?

Everybody has been through some type of trauma, and sometimes it requires therapy and sometimes it doesn't. But if I have the feeling, okay, this is really [00:08:00] something you should be working on, then I will refer you to a therapist. Or another thing is with hypnosis at, in general terms, we can basically work on anything that is a behavioral or thought pattern that you weren't born with.

So if you come to me and you're like, one leg is shorter than the other, fix it. Yeah, that's not gonna happen. I'm sorry, doing that. That's not mine. But generally, any kind of thought pattern or behavior pattern that you acquired throughout your life we can address with hypnosis. And if there's no underlying, like I said, mental illness or any kind of the disease that would prevent us working together, then we can definitely do it.

Speaker 4: I've never thought about doing hypno, work with a hypnosis before. Mm-hmm. So it's, strange to me. Right. So I am very much grounded, in fact. And, the WOOWOO stuff is woowoo for a reason, and [00:09:00] hypnosis has always been a woowoo thing that I'm just kinda like, yeah, that actually works, whatever.

Speaker 6: Right. And I 

Speaker 4: don't like mean to put anybody down about it. It's just kind of been the, and that's, I mostly, I haven't heard of like what you just said you were doing. I mostly heard about stage stuff and you know, because that's quite exciting. 

Speaker 3: Right. It's much more exciting if you can watch somebody Glock like a chicken saying, Hey, we can actually do real transformations with hypnosis.

But that's, that's another thing that you mentioned, like this whole WOOWOO thing. And that's another reason why I do go out on a lot of podcasts. Why I do connect with a lot of people because yes, there are still some elements in hypnosis that we simply cannot explain. We that we don't know why it works.

But on the other hand, there is so much research that has been done on hypnosis over the past, I wanna say 10, 15 years probably. And it's been used now in chronic pain [00:10:00] management. It's been used in at other medical fields. Like there's hypnotists out there who are medical hypnotists who just work in the medical field.

So there is a lot of research done and we know it works, right? And when you go a little bit further out into like energy work and stuff like that, there's also a lot of research that shows, okay, we all are surrounded by energy fields and if you are able to kind of manipulate that or access that in a way that most of us don't, then you can create a completely different life for you.

So yes, it always still has a little bit of this woowoo thing behind it, simply because there's still a lot of things that we don't know about the brain, how the brain works. It's an evolving field. When you think about this, back then when somebody said, oh, we are gonna build an airplane and we are gonna fly with it, people were like, yeah, you're freaking nuts.

Right? And now we do it every day, right? Simply because back then nobody had an idea. How is that supposed to [00:11:00] work? And then people studied it, people did research, they tried and turns out, look, we can actually fly. And that's where we're at with hypnosis right now. We know a little bit, we learn a little bit more every day, but can we explain all of it yet?

No, we're just not there yet with the research. But it's, I'm very thankful that it goes out of the woo woo field and more into the science field now. And that there are actually researchers out there who said, okay, we're gonna take on the task and we're gonna find out what's going on, because that makes our job a lot easier and makes us more credible instead of us just saying, 

Speaker 5: that's magic, you know?

Speaker 4: So how did you get into doing hypnosis? How did you start that path? 

Speaker 3: So, I wanna say the general path of anything related to mindset coaching started very early on. Like I said, I'm a social psychologist, I'm an education educational scientist. So I studied everything that has to do with the mind [00:12:00] and that interest was always there.

And then originally with my business, I started out as a personal fitness trainer 20 years ago. And I noticed that some of my clients, I would give them workout plans, I would give them nutrition guidelines and they would crush it. They would do amazing. And then you would have others, you do the same and they're always falling back into old habits.

And you're like, what the hell? I'm doing everything I can, I do the same thing that I do for the other client. What's happening? And that's when I started really digging more into the mindset things. I became an LP practitioner, which is neurolinguistic programming. And then I actually had a hypnosis session for myself, and I was like, this is amazing.

I wonder if that works for my clients. So I got certified and started working, like doing hypnosis with my fitness clients. And they would get so much better results simply because we were able to remove some of those patterns, some of those blocks, talking about binge eating, talking about just like not [00:13:00] being able to stick to certain regimens for whatever reason.

And then I started wondering, okay, if it works that well with my fitness people, I wonder what else I can do with it. And that's when I kind of ventured out and tried different things. And then it just kind of happened that more and more entrepreneurs found me. And that's where that niche kind of came from.

Like I didn't set out to work with those people. It was just like I was kind of attracting entrepreneurs and business owners. And that's when I developed more that niche of, okay, fear of failure, fear of rejection, imposter syndrome, procrastination, perfectionism, all that stuff. But it started out very, very early that I was just always interested in, okay, how does our mind actually work and how we can we control it better so that we're not constantly run by those subconscious pattern, but we get a little bit more control over where we're actually going in our life and what we're doing on a daily basis.

Speaker 4: So you just mentioned working with [00:14:00] entrepreneurs and business owners. Well, entrepreneurs are business owners, so kind 

Speaker 5: of, yeah, 

Speaker 4: usually. Yeah. But, how did that start? Like did you get one person who, word of mouth to like a crowd or something? Or was it slow? 

Speaker 3: So, yeah, it started out relatively slow because the, at the beginning I got all my referrals from my fitness people.

'cause that was like kind of the, the environment I was in. I was giving workshops and seminars for other online fitness trainers who kind of wanted to have a mindset coach on duty. And that's how I got exposed to like some entrepreneurs. They reached out to me, they're like, Hey, I'm in this fitness, in this fitness program.

That's how I got to know you. And I actually, I run a business and I have these and these issues. Is that something that hypnosis can help you with? And I was like, yeah, sure. Let's do it. Excuse me. And that's kind of how, how it came about. And then when I realized, okay, I have now the last five people who [00:15:00] contacted me we're all entrepreneurs and we're all working on the same fears, kind of, that's when I was like, okay, maybe I should kind of direct my marketing in that direction as well.

And that's then when more people came in because I really actively started doing marketing geared towards that field, 

Speaker 4: so in on the business side of things, when a new entrepreneur gets in touch with you and you do your talk and run through how do you identify? Because I mean, I am fully aware of my mental health because I'm mental. I'm aware. Okay. I get a lot from therapists and stuff that I am like scary aware of how my mental health works for me.

Okay. Because apparently you're not supposed to actually see your own mental health at work. But, when they come to you and they're saying, I have this fear. Mm-hmm. Does it actually turn out to be something else? [00:16:00] Sometimes times and then you have to like go, okay, yes, you have that fear, but it's because of this fear.

Speaker 3: So what will, there's usually two types of clients. The first one is they come to me and they know exactly what is wrong. They're like, listen, I've been dealing with this for the past 20 years, I just don't know how to fix it. Help me. Great. Right. That is super easy. And then you have other clients who come to me who are just like and I actually had a client like this morning.

She was, I feel stuck. Like I run my business. I have the feeling it's not going fast enough. I have the feeling when I do get clients, they jump off last minute and they don't pay me. And it's just the energy feels off. I don't know what to do. So those are the situations where you then have to really dig deeper.

And like I mentioned, the consultation session, that's why it's so important as well. Try to find out, okay, what is it actually that you're dealing with here? Is it a fear of failure? Sometimes it's a fear of success. Some people say that's not a thing. But [00:17:00] yeah, you're not afraid of the success itself, but you're afraid of what happens when you become successful.

Maybe I'm changing. Maybe the people around me won't accept me anymore. May maybe my relationships change. So those are all things that we then kind of have to uncover, and that's where the coaching part comes into place. And that's where you strategy, like just active listening. What are they actually saying?

Because as a coach, my job is to listen and not so much to talk. That's why I like podcasts, because I like to talk sometimes too. But that's when you really find out, okay, what is going on behind the scenes? And then like you mentioned, sometimes you will find out, okay, maybe there's some kind of mental health issue actually going on.

That's when I would like, excuse me, carefully say, Hey, have you ever thought about working with a therapist or something like that? Because that could be very beneficial for you. But in most cases it's really more about becoming [00:18:00] clear on your fear. And sometimes, like you, you mentioned, okay, maybe you think it's one fear and then there's something else behind it.

What happens more often is that you have a symptom that you think is the problem. Procrastination and perfectionism are prime examples. Oh, my business is not growing because I keep procrastinating. Yeah. But that's not the actual problem. That's just a symptom of the actual problem. Because what our subconscious mind does and what we have to become aware of is one of the main functions of our subconscious mind is to protect us.

So if we are doing something that threatens the our security, our safety. Then our subconscious mind will come up with any kind of strategy to prevent that from happening. And procrastination, perfectionism, things like that are simply that, like strategies of the subconscious mind [00:19:00] to protect us. Because if we are procrastinating and we never really put ourselves out there and we never really talk about our business, we never really connect with people, we never really try to grow our social media or whatever it is, the way you wanna market your business, then there's no way to fail.

And then we know, okay, how maybe we're dealing with fear of failure here and that's the actual problem. 

Speaker 4: We can't run a secret business and expect to do anything. Exactly. 

Speaker 3: But a lot of people do that. A lot of people do that. And that's why so many new businesses fail. Especially in the online space that we're living in right now.

And the funny thing about it is that your subconscious mind does this mind trick on you where it keeps you busy. So you're doing all the things, you're like working on your website all the time, you're creating all these courses, you're redoing your [00:20:00] logo, you're doing whatever. So you are always busy and you always have the feeling, oh my God, I'm doing so much, but I'm not getting anywhere.

Yeah. Because you're procrastinating on the really important stuff, on the stuff that makes you money, 

Speaker 4: Do you have techniques to be able to help people who are dealing with like overwhelm or burnout? 

Speaker 3: Overwhelm and burnout are interesting because we, again, we have to see where it comes from.

Oftentimes when we're talking about burnout, overwhelm, stress, we have to first see why is this stressing you out and are you stressing out about things that really shouldn't be your problem? I have a lot, I always like to think of stress in general as like kind of this whirlwind around you, like a little bit of a tornado, and you're like, okay, and this and this, and you're grabbing all [00:21:00] of it without really taking a step back and saying, okay, is this actually my problem?

Is this something that I should be dealing with, or is that something that my husband was supposed to take care of? Or is this something that the children can do themselves? Or isn't this why I hired an assistant and it's their job and I should just let them do their job and just check in once in a while instead of micromanaging?

So when we're really seeing, okay. Where are we there and are you taking on things that are not necessarily your problem? Then when you're like, okay, no, everything that I'm stressed out about is definitely my issue, then we can say, okay, does this have to be now though? Because we're always trying to kind of do everything at the same time, but let's put some debt deadlines on it.

What is something that has to happen now that actually is gonna move your business [00:22:00] forward and what can be done later? So it's a matter of deadlines and it's a matter of priorities in most cases. So that's definitely something we can take a look at and then figure out together. 

Speaker 4: So. What is the main mesh message you want to get out, over the podcasts and other, outreach that you do? 

Speaker 3: I think one of my main messages is to not be afraid of connecting with your own subconscious mind and to do it in a way that benefits you. Because when you really understand how your mind works and you can make it work for you instead of against you, you are way ahead of everybody else.

So don't be afraid of digging into it a little bit and really finding out how it is that your subconscious mind works, because everybody, subconscious mind works differently [00:23:00] and then start using it to your advantage. And if you need help with it, you know where to find me.

Speaker 4: Okay. Do you have any final comments before we switch topics 

Speaker 3: I think in general, I think what is important is that you kind of combine the business and mindset side when you do run a business. We all like to focus so much on strategy and marketing and all the things, but if you don't have your mindset right as an entrepreneur and you don't know how to use it, you will never be successful.

That's just not gonna happen.

Speaker 8: Hey everyone. Thanks for sticking with us. Before we dive into our next topic, I just wanna take a quick moment to remind you two who like this video, subscribe to our channel and hit that notification bell. That way you'll always be the first to know when a new episode [00:24:00] drops, and we want to hear from you.

What topics are you most excited about? Drop your thoughts in. The comments below. Your feedback helps us create content that you love. We've got some exciting stuff coming your way, so don't miss out. Now let's switch gears and jump into our next discussion.

Speaker 4: Yeah. So, I have dealt with a lot in my however many years. I don't really remember how old I am. It's perfectly fine. I don't need that reminder every day, but I've gone through a lot and I know that people are stronger than they think they are. Yes. Because I know at my darkest moments I thought I was not gonna be sitting here today.

Right. I'd never have my mind back. I'd never be able to function again and hello. And I am not like this spectacular [00:25:00] example of humanity or whatever.

I have my strong points. I do, I have my, in some intelligence, some days not so much, but I got through it by saying I'm not gonna be like that person.

In my case, it was here spite on my mother, I am not gonna be like my mom. I'm not gonna be, I'm not gonna be the one who does that. That's just not gonna be me. Right. And I broke those, limiting beliefs that I had by saying, well, if my mom would've reacted this way, I'm not gonna react that way.

Yeah. 

Speaker 3: Yeah. It's like kind of this, it stops with me. Right. Yeah. You break the cycle. 

Speaker 4: I like that. It wasn't like I mean, I did say in my brain, yeah, I'm not doing that because my mom would've done that. And that was stupid, you know, in my mind. But it wasn't completely apparent at [00:26:00] first. Mm-hmm. You know what I mean?

Because at first it was just me going, yeah, I don't think I wanna do that. And it took me, and like I said, my therapists say that I'm very aware of my mental health, what is happening in my mind, which is a good thing though. 

But like at a certain point I realized that I was making choices that were right at the time.

You know, looking back, there's 2020, right? And you can always say, well, I could have handled that better or I could have done that differently. But in that moment, with everything that was happening in that moment, in the knowledge that you had in that moment, there was no other option than the way you reacted.

Speaker 5: Exactly. 

Speaker 4: No matter what it was. 

Speaker 3: Yeah. And that's why we shouldn't beat ourselves up for our own actions, because like you said, we usually always work from the knowledge that we have doing the best we can at the time. Sure. Looking back, you have more [00:27:00] insight now, but back then you didn't have it, so you did everything you could.

So there's no point in beating yourself up now. 

Speaker 4: Yeah. One of the hardest things that I have ever had to do, and I still work on it because there are some spots in my life that I don't forgive myself for. But there are others that I do. Because you have to, my mother was a narcissist with, who medically neglected us.

I don't have teeth because of my mother. I was diagnosed with arthritis at the age of 16 and then if I swayed when I was standing still to try to kind of keep the weight, keep my leg moving on my knees and hips and stuff. 

Speaker: Mm-hmm. 

Speaker 4: It was Why are you doing that? Because I hurt.

Right. You're too young to hurt. Get over it. 

I'm sorry. That's how it works, 

Speaker: right? The hurt 

Speaker 4: doesn't care how old I am. [00:28:00] You know, and having somebody say that to you is so disempowering, like 

it kicks you in the teeth. Yeah. Quite literally sometimes like, because you're just trying to like limit some pain by swaying just the tiniest of bits and all of a sudden you're this weird monster that.

Your parents are, yelling at you. Right. Stop being weird. I have reoccurring cysts. I went to my knees in a grocery store. I don't like attention. The fact I have a podcast is beyond weird to me, and some days Okay. Because I don't like attention on myself, but I do wanna be able to help the next person behind me.

Right? Right. I want to be able to help people. I want to bring awareness to mental health in a way that isn't, oh, you have anxiety. Oh, then you don't have to do anything like help less than that. You, I have done things shaking like a fricking leaf the entire [00:29:00] time. 

I have gotten, look, I learned at a young age, because I've had anxiety for as long as I can remember.

When you're shaking, visibly shaking like a leaf in front of some parents, that's like waving a red flag and a bull. Mm-hmm. Right. They're gonna come at you. Mm-hmm. So I had to learn to make my reactions to things. Not visible. Mm. I can feel my skin shaking some days. Right. But nobody looking at me would be able to see it.

'cause I'm not doing the whole, because I had to learn to hide it. 

Speaker 2: Yeah. 

Speaker 4: And I don't say that as, haha look at me, I can hide it. No. Like, that's not okay. Like I shouldn't have had ever had to. Yeah. It shouldn't have got to a point where I had to force my body to do something that it naturally was like, that's how we deal with this.

Speaker 6: Mm-hmm. Yeah. 

Speaker 4: But like I went to my knees in the grocery store and got told that I was [00:30:00] faking it and I just wanted attention. Hmm. Excuse me. I just had a disc pop or whatever they do. 

Speaker 7: Right. This 

Speaker 4: extremely excruciating pain. I would love to see you handle that. Yeah. Right. But through all of it, I even spitefully got through eighth grade because I was in special ed from first until sixth grade.

Speaker 6: Mm-hmm. 

Speaker 4: Because I had a first grade reading level. Yeah. In sixth grade I started reading, sorry, it wasn't sixth grade that I got out, it was eighth grade. But I started reading in sixth grade and by eighth grade I had a college level reading. Okay, that's good. They kicked me outta special ed because I told them to retest me.

'cause I was like about to like fail. I would've failed spectacularly 'cause you can't make things too easy for me or I'll shoot myself in the foot. Right. And after they put me in normal classes, I was doing pretty good except for math. [00:31:00] Math sucks and I hate it. So there's that. 

Speaker: And you're not alone with that.

Speaker 4: I was in special ed. Okay. I was with the window liquors and like, addition, subtraction, multiplication, division. That's it. Hmm. I had full numbers. There was nothing negative about them. There were just numbers. Right. There were no gaps with A, B, and C. Like there was no alphabet in my math. And I got shoved into a pre-algebra class.

And I'm sitting there the whole time going, wow, I have no idea what to do now. 

Speaker 2: Can you imagine? 

Speaker 4: And I, got stopped one day after the change by the guidance counselor or whatever her name was. I don't even remember. Don't care. And she stopped me in the hall and she goes, how are you doing?

I'm like, I'm doing great. I'm having, my classes are going fine. And she's like, well, we understand that you'll be here next year. [00:32:00] And I went the hell if I am, and I would have been on the honor roll at the end of eighth grade, except I had a D in math, a D in math. I went from additional subtraction, multiplication, and division to stuff with negative numbers and alphabet.

And I still managed to pull a D out of absolutely nowhere. 

Speaker: Right? 

Speaker 4: So, worked for me. 

Speaker: Yeah, I didn't 

care. I did that despite her because she was like, oh, we'll see you here again next year. No, no. Absolutely. No, you won't. 

Speaker 3: Yeah. 

So see, but I think that's the important thing also, that you kind of stand up for yourself sometimes, and that it doesn't matter what other people around you say.

Unfortunately, that's how we kind of build our idea of how the world works and what's wrong with us, or what's not wrong with us. Right? But at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what everybody else says. What matters [00:33:00] is, are you actually putting the effort in? Are, do you doing the best you can? And that's what's important, you know?

So I love that. Yes. 

Speaker 4: And you have, whether it's your business that you're struggling to get started, like you have to put in the work, right? Yep. You have to go and do. Yep. I seem to be in a rare minority that things you have to do the same thing with your mental health. Yeah. You get told you, or you know, obviously you're gonna know if you have anxiety, right?

Mm-hmm. You don't have to get diagnosed with that to know you have it true. But, if you get diagnosed with that or if you know you have it, that isn't the time to say, well, I'm gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this and I'm not gonna do this, and I'm not gonna do that. Because all you're doing is create I am borderline.

Is it agoraphobic where you stay in your house all the time? Yeah. I'm borderline. I could very, very, very [00:34:00] easily slip into, I don't leave my house. 

Because I like to feel safe. Right. And the safest place for me to feel safe is my house. 

Speaker 3: Yeah. And that's what we just talked about, right? What your subconscious mind is trying to do.

It wants to keep you safe. So if it perceives you not going out into the world as being safe. Then that is what it will create. Mm-hmm. So then it's to a point where you have to say, okay, we need to establish a different pattern. We need to get the subconscious mind to understand, I know what you're doing and I appreciate what you're doing because I know you want to help me, but right now this is keeping me literally stuck in my house.

So it's not a good pattern anymore. Then we want to change it. And the same thing actually happens with anxiety because, and that's what I want people to understand about anxiety. We always take it as something very negative. But the reality about [00:35:00] anxiety is it's simply a mechanism of your mind to get your attention.

What it does it, tells you, Hey, this is important. I want you to pay attention to it. It's focus. And what we're doing with it is we're kind of blowing it out of proportion. It's like, oh my God, I get the jitters. Something's wrong with me. There's anxiety and then we bring it up and up and up and up until we are in like this panic mode and it becomes this generalized kind of anxiety.

But if we learn to really honor the feeling as what it is, like a way of telling us, Hey, something's going on. Mm-hmm. Look at it, and then we act on that, we can kind of bring that anxiety back down to a normal level because that's what it is. Anxiety is a normal feeling, a normal mechanism of our mind.

Speaker 4: Mm-hmm. You know, and the more you say, well, you know, Walmart makes me anxious 'cause there's [00:36:00] too many old dudes there, which is totally true for me. Massive issues with old dudes. So sorry if you're an old dude, but, totally don't want to be anywhere near people who look like they're old.

Gotcha. And that's becoming dangerous because I'm not getting any younger 

either. You don't wanna be end up being scared of yourself. 

No, I had a traumatic event and it was because of somebody who was 72 years old. 

Speaker 2: Mm-hmm. Gotcha. 

Speaker 4: And so the gray hair, the look of that age, I'm just like, Nope, I can't trust you.

You are not okay. Nope, nope, nope. It's a trigger. Yeah. Got it. I know that doesn't mean I don't go to church where I'm sorry, but that's where old people are. True. I'm not going to Florida. Gotcha. Don't have that in my plans. Because, Florida is a retirement community of the US and 

Speaker 3: We do have a lot of old people down here.

That's true. 

Speaker 4: Oh, [00:37:00] that's right. You're in Florida. Yeah, 

Speaker 3: I'm in Miami. Yeah. And you're right. 

Speaker 4: Sorry. No, no, but you're right. It's the same. But at the same time, I'm not shaking visibly like a leave or, reacting badly just because somebody says, oh yeah, my granddad. 

Speaker 5: Right. 

Speaker 4: Okay. You need to chill.

Right. If somebody's saying a word sets you off that much mm-hmm. You had to better be in therapy. 

Speaker 2: Yep. And that's different that different people to work with. 

Speaker 4: That's something you need to work on. I have worked on mine. I used to start crying if I was around a whole lot of old people for too long. 

Speaker 7: Mm.

Speaker 4: Because I was completely, I did not feel safe. Yep. At all. It's my thing. I have to feel safe, and if I'm surrounded by people [00:38:00] 70 plus, I'm not gonna feel safe. Yeah. But I have gotten because of therapy and working on it and being like, yeah, I can't. I can't limit this. Where are you going to go if you decide you can never be around an old man ever again?

Yeah. Border reframe, agoraphobia. Yeah. That borderline agoraphobia is gonna become agoraphobia and I'm not gonna be able to leave the house because there's old men out there. Yeah. And I was not gonna have that. I may not leave my house often. I leave twice a week. On Tuesdays I go out and on Sundays I go to church and that's it.

Or every once in a while there's an extra doctor's appointment. I can't fit on a Tuesday, but that's it. I don't go out a lot. But at the same time, it's not really because I'm afraid it's just 'cause Hello. I work for myself and I have a whole heck of a lot of stuff to do. 

I do the work of like 10 people. It's Vine [00:39:00] eventually,

But to say to yourself, oh, well I can't go to church on Sunday because there's, you know, 50 old dudes that go to church. 

Speaker 7: Mm. 

Speaker 4: How is that helping you? 

How is that protecting you? 

And that's where that dissonance comes in between your conscious mind and your subconscious mind, because on a conscious, ne level, you know all that.

Speaker: Mm-hmm. 

Speaker 3: On a conscious level, what I'm doing is not healthy. What I'm doing is not really protecting me, it's hurting me. Mm-hmm. But getting the subconscious mind to understand that. That's the challenge then. Mm-hmm. 

Speaker 4: Yeah. And it's take, look, I am not saying if you have anxiety, you should be all better by tomorrow because I still have anxiety.

Speaker 7: Yeah. 

Speaker 4: I still, when I go to church, I have, I get anxious as hell. Sure. 

Speaker 7: Yep. 

Speaker 4: Am I gonna let it stop me [00:40:00] from going? No. Because the more you say, I can't do this because of that, I can't do this because of this, I can't do this because of that. Right. You are putting up walls ex. Exactly. And the more you do it, the more you say, I'm not doing this.

Because of that, you reinforce that wall. Until you're in a bank vault that you can't get out of. And that's what you can only take, yeah, go ahead. And you can only take one or two steps at a time. Even in your own house. Like Uhoh, there's a repairman that has to come over. He can't come in my house. Oh my God, he's 80.

What am I gonna do? First of all, you're gonna make sure somebody else is there with you, because I'm not letting somebody into the house just for shit and giggles. That's just not happening. Right, right, right. But at the same time, the work still has to be done. Like, do you need your [00:41:00] water? Yeah. True. So you ask somebody to come over and be there with you.

Mm-hmm. Yes. You're gonna feel stupid half the time because nothing's gonna happen. But you know what that does? That reinforces in your mind that, hey, maybe it's not all people, it's just the bad people. We should be afraid of. You know, it's not all men. It's men who are garbage. It's not all women. It's women who are garbage.

Speaker 7: Yeah. 

Speaker 4: It's not all old men. It's old men who were garbage. 

Speaker 3: Mm-hmm. And I think that is something that I'm trying to explain to my clients when we're working together. And it doesn't matter in which context, I can help you overcome that initial block, whatever it is that keeps you stuck. I can help you overcome that.

But then you still have to take action. There's so many people who rely on others [00:42:00] to say, okay, fix this for me, and then just sit back and expect things to change. No. Like we can fix it together. Mm-hmm. And then you have to start walking. You have to start taking action. You have to see what is my goal, where do I wanna go?

And then you take one foot. In front of the other, you take one step at a time. And that doesn't matter if we're talking about business, if we're talking about anxiety, if we're talking about whatever it is that you're dealing with, we have to start taking responsibility for our own lives. And there's so many people out there who kind of have become comfortable in the victim role.

And that is something that really concerns me because if you are not willing and able to take responsibility for your own actions or lack thereof, nobody can help you. You have to decide I'm not gonna be a victim [00:43:00] anymore.

Speaker 4: I still jump. I don't like being touched, which is another fun thing about going to church. Okay. People are huggers at church, come up to you and they're just like, oh, I love you. And I'm like, no, you don't. Don't touch. If you love me, you'd know. That does not allow, don't do that. 

Speaker 3: You gotta wear that shirt, don't touch.

Speaker 4: I am very much in the don't touch me thing. Mm-hmm. Again, obviously I have trauma in my background. Mm-hmm. I have not always had the choice. 

Speaker 7: Yeah. 

Speaker 4: I have not always gotten to say no. Or conversely, if I did say no, it wasn't always listened to. 

Speaker 2: Yes. 

Speaker 4: [00:44:00] Right. So this is a thing that I've said like, no, I had enough.

Don't touch me. Just don't do it. Yep. I have a high, you know, kickback rate when people startle me by putting like their hand on my back. Oh, that is the worst way to touch me. Like, do not touch me if I don't know you're there. Right. Because I will elbow back and it's not because I'm going, oh, I just got touched.

How dare they? Oh, I gotta teach 'em a lesson. No, it's completely, yeah, it's like a kicking horse. Like half the time they don't even know they're doing like why they're doing it. They just kick back and you are the, oops. 

Speaker 3: Yeah, it's just an automatic response. Yeah, 

Speaker 4: of course. People are learning though because they'll see me jump and they go, oh.

Ah, sorry, I forgot you don't like to be touched, 

Speaker 3: but I think that's, I think it's good that you mention that because that is, I'm pretty much a hugger, right? Like I like to go and I was like, oh, you everything, right? [00:45:00] So, but it's good that we become aware of people are different, right?

Everybody has different preferences. Everybody has, like you said, their own trauma, whatnot. So what I learned is I will tell people when I don't meet them for the first time, like we're at a seminar together or the conference or something. I'm like, are you a hugger? Is it okay if I give you a hug?

And then if they say, oh, rather, hey, hey, how are you? Okay, cool. That's fine. Right? But like, I think it's also a skill to just become aware of that and not just project onto others. Oh, I'm a hugger. Everybody loves hugs. It's amazing. Yeah, maybe for some people it's not. So let's try to be a little bit more conscious about.

What other people, and you usually, you can tell from the body language. Like I could probably, if we met in person, I could probably tell like as soon as I opened my arms, like, Nope. But just, yeah, I got 

that step back. 

Yeah. But [00:46:00] becoming aware of that is, is a skill too, right? Mm-hmm. 

Speaker 4: So there I went to, I am Mormon, or I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, right?

Mm-hmm. And, I went to a release society message last year or the year before, I don't know anyway, which just means it's a, it was a message for the women of the church, right? Okay. And after they did that, they had people going up to talk for a second to, you know. Do testimonies. And I went up to do my testimony, but like, I didn't know half the people there.

So I decided to like, you know, do the, hi, my name is, and introduce myself a little bit. And I kind of went, I do not like being touched. Like, this is the PSA. Please don't touch me. Uhhuh. 

Speaker 6: Hey, 

Speaker 4: ready. Please don't touch me and don't wear perfume near me. Okay. I'm an asthmatic [00:47:00] that is triggered by smell. Mm.

And so please do not do that to me. Mm-hmm. And shampoo, conditioner, low lotion, all of that contributes to your smell. 

Speaker 7: Yep, 

Speaker 4: that's true. Please be aware that you're one. Oh, but I only put one word. Hello. How much lotion did you put on Hairspray, Mose, whatever. That's, yeah. You're very, 

Speaker 3: very sensitive to that.

Yeah. 

Speaker 4: That's, and it will completely make it so that I cannot breathe and I have to use my own abuterol. Which ha, funny thing, I react funky too, so I don't like having to use my funeral. 

Speaker: That's unfortunate. 

Speaker 4: It makes me like super cold, super tired. And then when I wake up from the nap coma, it puts me in.

I don't know where I'm at. It's very confusing for like an hour after I wake up. I don't like [00:48:00] this stuff at all. It's bad. 

Speaker 7: Yeah. 

Speaker 4: But the big point is I said, I don't like being touched. 

Speaker 6: Hmm. 

Speaker 4: Like, you can come up and talk to me. I have no problem with that. I wear headphones at church because, hey.

I'm super sensitive to sound. Hmm. And kids, people, you know, piano or organ loud, you know, that kind of thing. 

Speaker 7: Right. 

Speaker 4: But, after everybody was done doing what, you know, saying their thing and I'm sitting there with my skin popping,

we go into another room for some ice cream, which was fine by me. Gimme the ice cream for being in public. That's my reward. Mm-hmm. Yay me. I got an award. One of the ladies came up to me and she's trying to talk to me, but she can't talk and she keeps like half putting her hand out because she wants to give me a hug.

So bad. Like you can see the battle happening on her [00:49:00] face. Like this is completely derailing her mind that she can just hug me. So I am already laughing because I find this hilarious as hell because it is hilarious. I mean, she was like, I'm so sorry. But, but, and she ends up having to like, she just touches my hand real fast and 

Speaker 3: see that's a nice compromise.

Just a little. 

Speaker 4: She just went with one finger and like, touched me and I was like, with a fair warning, like, are you okay now? Like, I'm so sorry. But now she'll come up to me on Sunday and say, I'm not gonna hug you, but I do. You know when I say hi, and I'm like, that's fine. You can say hi. 

Speaker 3: That shows you like how ingrained patterns are.

Mm-hmm. That sometimes it's so hard to just hope that you know, somebody else doesn't want you to do it. You know, it's not [00:50:00] appropriate for the situation, but it's so ingrained in your being that you still have to like, so it's, I think it's fascinating. 

Speaker 4: I was not upset because when you can see somebody fighting that hard to respect your boundary and they just can't like, and they do it as minimally, like you can see sometimes I'll see somebody fight not to hold me and then they'll grab me in a bear hug anyway, and I'm like, if you don't get off me, you're gonna hurt.

Get off me. Yeah. Oh, get off me. But to have somebody fighting themselves so hard that you can see it on their face. Yeah. And it didn't release them until she touched me. And I wish, and she did it minimal. That might be a whole 

different problem in itself. 

Right. Like, but she did it as minimally as possible to try to like, get past that and her, 'cause her brain was doing the skipping.

It and it was fine after that. And [00:51:00] we laugh about it now. It, I laughed about it then too. And so did she, like I wasn't laughing at her. She was laughing and going, I don't know why, but I have to. But, okay. So the whole point that I was trying to make today was that.

The more you tell yourself you can't, you're right. Yes. The more you say, I can't do this because my mind is doing that. Mm-hmm. The more you're gonna stay where you're at, you're not gonna grow, you're not gonna change. You're actually, you are gonna change, but not for the better. It'll be for the worse, because you'll keep building those walls until you're stuck in a tiny little closet in your mind and you can't do anything.

Speaker 2: Mm-hmm. I cent degree, 

Speaker 4: I spent a lot of time with my mind shattered with no hope. [00:52:00] And still in relationships or in living situations that were abusive. 

Speaker 7: Mm. 

Speaker 4: And. I got away, not easily, not without more trauma being done, but I got away. And once I got away and I was in a situation where I could be calm, where I wasn't, on pins and needles waiting for the next physical attack or verbal attack.

Speaker 7: Mm.

Speaker 4: I was able to start coming out of that little cage I had to put myself in. Yeah. In my mind. Yep. And once I did that and I started coming back, I realized that I had partially put my own self in that cage. 

But. [00:53:00] I had partially been kind of pushed that way by, narcissists. 

And specifically two of them, my mom and her best friend.

And, being when you come out of it and you're starting the therapy and you're going, but like, I just wanted to be safe when that's all you can keep saying. Yeah. That you ended up in the wrong space sometimes. Not because you wanted to, not blaming anybody for the things that happened to them, because I totally do that myself.

I blame myself for a lot of the things that happened to me. 

Speaker 2: Problems. Very common reaction. 

Unfortunately.

Speaker 4: It was not only my own mind that was saying it was my fault. 

I had a parent saying the same thing. So it kind of just reinforced it and shoved it deeper. 

Speaker 6: [00:54:00] Yeah. 

Speaker 3: And see, and that's the problem because when we are younger, if something like that happens to us when we're younger, we don't really have the capacity yet to reflect on that.

We're kind of just absorbing whatever we hear and take it for truth. Because we don't have another choice. We have believe whatever we hear, because we simply have, don't have the mental capacity to reflect on it in that way that we can do now. And that's how those thought patterns come to be like, okay, this was all my fault because my parents told me it was my fault of co.

Of course it was my fault. And then you internalize it in a way that you start believing it. Then you reinforce it yourself because it becomes your own belief. 

Speaker: Mm-hmm. 

Speaker 3: That's what so many people are unfortunately dealing with, because they didn't have parents in their life who were able to support them in the way that was needed.

Yeah.[00:55:00] 

Speaker 4: And it's important that you said needed and not the way the child felt they needed. Because a lot of people go, well, that's just how you felt then. No, that's how I feel now. Yeah. Then I couldn't understand why I wasn't being told it wasn't my fault. 

I didn't understand how it was my fault. Right. And then give it a year, and it was totally my fault.

How could I have ever doubted it was my fault? 

Speaker 7: Mm-hmm. 

Speaker 4: And then coming out the other side, I still like only halfway, forgive myself. Or a situation that I should have never been put into. Yeah. Or beliefs I should have never been given. 

Speaker 3: Yeah. And I think, see that's a perfect example of when you work with a therapist through things like this.

Speaker 6: Mm-hmm. 

Speaker 3: It will help you to reflect on it and just change your [00:56:00] perspective in a way that then allows you to let go of that guilt. Because so many people, especially when we're talking about physical mental abuse, this guilt factor is always there. Right. Simply because you have been manipulated in believing it is your fault.

But then when you do take advantage of the options you have now as an adult, like going to therapy, talking to people about, that's when it really can shift and you realize, okay, no, I'm the victim here. But then 

Speaker 4: also you want to go past that 

Speaker 3: exactly. Like it wasn't my fault. I was the victim, but that doesn't mean I have to stay the victim.

Mm-hmm. Because now I'm at a point in my life where I can make choices and I choose to move on with my life and not let whatever happened in the past determine who I am today. So I think you, you're doing amazing with that. And I think [00:57:00] like going to therapy, like you said, was a, was an amazing step that everybody should take who's in that position, 

Speaker 4: but make sure you get a good therapist.

Yeah. I've had some bad ones. I've ended up in three days. Days because, I had a therapist who's an idiot. I had a therapist who just, every time I said that I was going, I was having a hard time with something would just go, but you've been through so much trauma. I am so glad that was video therapy only because of 2020 and you know, that stuff because holy cow.

I'm not making threats on anybody's bodies at this point. I don't, I'm not anywhere near her, but like, holy gracious. 

Speaker 3: I think it's also important that you find somebody, and that goes for therapists, that goes for coaches, for hypnotists, for anybody in the service industry. You have to find somebody you can connect with.

On a personal level because especially when you're [00:58:00] working with coaches. When you're working with therapists, it's a relationship. It's not you going there once and that's it. You sometimes gonna see this person for half a year or however long you are gonna be in therapy. So choose somebody that you feel resonates with.

You can connect with you. And there's also different types of therapy out there. There's people who go back into your past and they talk about everything that's going on there. If you don't wanna go back there, choose somebody who does maybe cognitive behavior therapy, who focuses more on, okay, how can we change your behavior now that you couldn't move forward?

So. I don't want anybody to get discouraged to seek help simply because they had one bad experience. Mm-hmm. Maybe it wasn't an experienced therapist, or maybe it was simply not a good fit, like the method that he used. Mm-hmm. Or personality wise, just choose whoever you know is a good fit and keep looking until you find that person.

Mm-hmm. 

Speaker 4: And know who you're [00:59:00] comfortable with.

But, I had one male therapist 

Speaker: mm-hmm. Because 

Speaker 4: I didn't know any better about my own brain at that time.

I was deep in, I was at the very beginning of the shattering. Mm-hmm. So I wasn't in no place to like, go. Yeah, this is probably best idea for me to come sit in a room alone with a dude. 

Speaker 7: Hmm. 

Speaker 4: Because I trust them so much. Right. But, he's also the one that put me in a three day stay because I said that I never wanted to wake up when I went to bed.

I wasn't going to physically do anything to myself. I just didn't really want to wake up. 

Speaker 5: Right. 

Speaker 4: But apparently that deserved a three day stay. Anyway. 

Speaker 5: Gotcha. 

Speaker 4: I was this as a board the whole time I was in there. I was holding myself, tightly. 

Speaker 6: Yeah. And, 

Speaker 4: Once I started talking to a female therapist that I actually got along with, well,

yeah. No more dudes not happening. Yeah. Because the difference was black and white. 

But that's how you learn, experience.[01:00:00] 

Okay. So, do you have any final thoughts? 

Speaker 3: No, I think you, you have done an amazing job of getting yourself out of that hole. And what I would love for you to do a little bit more is patting your own back, patting your own shoulder, and say. I did amazing because that's hard work and you've done a lot, and that's something that you can really, really proud of you.

And, we often don't give ourselves enough credit, so give yourself credit where creditors do. You've done an amazing job and you continue to do so yay me. 

Speaker 4: Oh my, my message here, and I know I, I did say a lot of personal stuff here, but it is more to see, to show that you can come back from wherever you're at.

Yeah. You could have had situations that were worse than mine. You could have had [01:01:00] situations that weren't so bad. Don't compare yourself to me. Just go and get the help you need and be better each day, each step of each day. Yes. If you can't be better for the whole day, be better for the next minute, be better for the next minute after that, and just keep.

Going, staying on this planet is the number one priority.