Inherited Patterns, Personal Power: Rewriting What You Were Given

Author and coach Judy Wilkins Smith joins us to explore emotional DNA—how family patterns shape our thoughts, choices, and well-being. We discuss inherited beliefs, how to transform stuck systems, and the importance of kindness in mental health. Judy explains how understanding genealogy can lead to powerful healing and change. Plus, Nikki shares personal stories of rebuilding after mental health collapse.

Website: https://judywilkins-smith.com/ Social Media Links: • Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/judywilkinssmith/ • Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/judywilkinssmith • LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/judywilkinssmith/ Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC2deofVCmw7Fxdq866SpJbQ

video1120927527
===

Speaker 2: [00:00:00] Hi, I'm Judy Wilkins Smith, and today we're going to be talking about how your emotional DNA affects your life and how your genealogy plays a significant part in all of that.

Speaker: That sounds kind of interesting, but also kind of terrifying. So can you explain how that works a little bit? 

Speaker 2: Sure. So of course. You don't just inherit your physical DNA, you also inherit your emotional DNA and your emotional DNA is your patterns of thoughts, feelings, actions, inactions that have cycled down through many, many generations all the way to you.

So while you often think that you have freedom of expression and thought, no, you really don't. Not until you know what's living in your system, how it's affecting you, and what you could do with that. So that's your emotional DNA. And so what I often say to people is, go spit in a bottle. It's a good idea because you're going to find out a couple of things.

We have genealogy 1.0, 2.0, and [00:01:00] 3.0 genealogy 1.0. This is my genealogy tree. This is where I belong. This is where I fit into the grand scheme of my family system. Genealogy 2.0 becomes a little more interest. When you see where they've come from and what the great events are that may have affected them in their lives and their affairs.

And then genealogy 3.0 is, okay, so I've inherited all of this. This is how it's affecting me, but what can I do with it? And that is your, the part hidden power in your DNA. 

Speaker: My mom's side of the family is super complicated. I know enough about when people came over on ships and that's it, and it wasn't the Mayflower.

Okay? So obviously me and, ancestry stuff. It gets complicated. 'cause I don't know my bio dad's information at all. And my [00:02:00] mom's dad was on a, on the boat from Spain and my mom's mother's mother was in the womb on the way across the thing. So it's not all that far back that they came from Spain 

Speaker 2: and Italy.

Right. Yeah, sometimes people don't even know what their genealogy is, but if you spit in a bottle, it'll tell you what region you came from and what may have happened over the many, many centuries that would've affected how you got here. Why you're scared of. Coming over on boats, why boats are not something that you love, or conversely, why you absolutely adore boats.

So it's going to show you a couple of those things and it also, it'll show you idiosyncratic pieces that you never even considered. Why do I have a temper when? Why am I upset? When and [00:03:00] what are the big emotions that you have? That don't seem to make sense. That's what you're gonna find out with your normal genealogy that shows you where you belong and where you came from.

And then of course, when you start having a look at the patterns that you are aware of in your own life, you kind of get that light bulb. Ah, okay. So this is how this clicks. And the purpose of that of course, is that it echoes all the way down to you, these different patterns. Not to keep on pestering you.

In fact, exactly the opposite. It echoes down to you because you are the one who can do something with it. It gives you purpose. You are the one who can change it. So you're the change agent. And, so it turns out that genealogy is a lot more important than we first thought. 

Speaker: So, I know that one of them, I think it's 23 and me

is going out of business. 

Speaker 2: Right. 

Speaker: And I know a lot of people are [00:04:00] scared because they did their DNA through them. Do you have any information about that or is that not something you would know about? 

Speaker 2: No, it's not something I really know about at all. I would wonder why people are concerned about that other than, perhaps it feels like you might find out things about them that you shouldn't medically or something that, that's a possibility.

However. It may also link you to a vast pool of resources you never knew you had. So as much as I can understand the fear and the caution around it, there are some really big advantages to it. And I would say to people, be discerning. Guard it gently, but also be aware that you may sort of fall into a pool or be in a bigger pool.

That can be, used in your favor. Now of course, you're going to get somebody who's going to try and use it in a way they shouldn't. But there are many ways to use it in ways that are positive. 

Speaker: What is your recommendation on [00:05:00] dealing with that ancestral pinging, or whatever you called it?

Speaker 2: Were it trickled down, You mean 

The ancestral pattern? Yeah. Well, an ancestral pattern is trying to get your attention. Because it's been there for a number of years, decades, centuries, who knows? Whatever it is, if it's a meta pattern, possibly for gen, for many, many, many generations and centuries, and it's whole purpose is when a pattern is formed.

It can be a really positive pattern or it can be a really limiting pattern. If it's a positive pattern, then of course what you wanna do is jump on it and say, good, I got this. Let's amp it up. If it's a limiting one, what it's saying to you with a positive one, by the way, is, come on, let's see how far you can run it.

Now, if it's a limiting one, what you want to look for is what? What is the pattern? What is the gift in this? What part do I want to take and what part do I want to leave? Because you get to do both of those things, and the part [00:06:00] that you take, you want to really kind of tuck into your heart and grow, and the part that you want to leave, you leave with respect because it is also a marker.

It shows you the way things have been. So you use that as a source of wisdom?

Speaker: So how can we.

Speaker 2: Oh, and purpose, by the way. Sorry. It's also source of purpose because often the gift is, let's take a quick example. Everybody in our family sucks with money. We all lose money. Nobody can accumulate it. It's terrible. Along comes you and you go, this does not work for me. You know what? I am gonna be the one.

That pulls things together financially. Congratulations. You've just found your purpose in the limiting pattern, and you turn it around and you become that financial genius. This is often how things work in our emotional DNA and, genealogy. 

Speaker: So do you, is it like therapy to try to figure out [00:07:00] these patterns or is it something completely different?

Speaker 2: I would say no. I use it more as a coaching tool. I have a lot of people who come to me. I'm an executive coach, and so a lot of people will come to me and say, I'm stuck. What do I do? It's a discovery session. It's kind of a mutual discovery session. I'm curious, and I'm open.

We go and have a look at the patterns that are there, and I ask clients to be equally curious and open, and it's like, oh, okay, so I have that pattern. So how has it limited me in my life, or how has it liberated me in my life, and what do I wanna do with that pattern? How does it have a gift? What is the gift?

And. What is the purpose? Because as soon as you discover your purpose and you get really passionate about it, it pulls you past all the places where you're stuck, where you can't move, where you can't squiggle or wiggle. It suddenly catapults you into what I want, what is important, and suddenly you find yourself going in a different direction and [00:08:00] yeah, what you're doing is creating new emotional DNA.

Speaker: Okay. That sounds. Very interesting. So do you have a DNA place that you recommend? 

Speaker 2: I don't, I just know, I know ancestry.com obviously is very well known and, it's super informative. We are in a day and age where we want to know who we are, but what we're discovering is it's not just about where am I on the family tree, it's about what happened.

What were the significant events and then how have they impacted me? And most importantly, how can I impact them? What am I going to do that's going to bring a different tone? It's going to grow the system up. If you were, how do I start doing, working with things like meta patterns? So a meta pattern is a pattern that's sort of bigger than just your family system.

Maybe it, dominates your whole [00:09:00] ethnic group, your whole gender group. Or maybe even the world. One of the biggest meta patterns is money. What do we do with money? How does it feature in our world? How do we think about it? What have we been taught about it? What are the global sayings? Things like money doesn't grow on trees, or only evil people have money.

And do we notice that by saying that and thinking that we've actually limited ourselves and made a judgment? Rather than, oh, okay, they've made money. Wow, that's interesting. What did they do? Can we reverse the meta pattern that says all of these really limiting things about money And go, money's pretty awesome.

There's a lot of good you could do with money. It's a good friend. It's a wise mentor. In fact, my third book is going to be Money, DNA. Why You? I'm busy with it at the moment, why you can or can't, will or won't have it, and how to reframe that and fix it because. Money, it turns out [00:10:00] is flow in the universe or flowing in our world.

So to demonize it means that we just put ourself at odds with money instead of being good friends with it and having a blast. 

Speaker: So you had the Hatfield of McCoy's out there, Virginia? 

Speaker 2: Yes. West Virginia. One of the juniors. I dunno, was it the juniors or was it the Texans? No, that was the, there was another one in Texas. There's a different one in Texas. Okay. These one have 

Speaker: fields of McCoys are definitely in the gens, but I don't know which one of the juniors.

Okay. Because they're like two inches apart from each other. Just go figure out. I don't care. The point being that for generations they either are still fighting or were fighting. Does that cause a. 

Speaker 2: Generational blip in the Oh, absolutely. Not only does it cause that, but what's happening is the original issue hasn't been resolved, so [00:11:00] everybody's still carrying it forward.

Bet you they can't even name the original issue, but it's there and everybody's fighting everybody. And so yes, it forms generational, DNA, multi-generational DNA. So you've got people who are fighting with each other if they're not. Fighting, across the lines. They're fighting with each other.

Everybody's at war. And so until you give war, its place and then introduce peace, nothing changes. So you really want to a good way to set the war down and say, enough already. It's not serving us. And then have a look at, so what do we want instead? Well, between us, if we came together. We could be extremely prosperous.

We could really collaborate and create something. Absolutely amazing. So why don't we have a look at that often when you've got a war, the reverse of that is not just peace, it is collaboration that leads to peace. So what can we do here that's gonna be absolutely amazing? [00:12:00] And yes. Then you will see a generation who will come out and go, okay, we're kind of done with the war.

It's a boring game. We'd like to play prosperity together and we'd really like to collaborate. How far can we push it? 

Speaker: Yeah. So the other question kind of along those same lines, just because I am a curious sort, who likes true crime? So some serial on a library, I guess is how I have to say it.

Had kids that had whole families, like a wife and kids at home while they're out, playing Chucky. And obviously that affects that generation, right? Those kids are affected because now they know, hey, daddy's evil. 

Speaker 2: But, well, they know Dad is, we would say Dad is evil. I would say. They know Dad is not acting normally.

He may not be evil, but he may have had something happen to him that has set him off. And so what you've [00:13:00] gotta do is look at what set him off, because it doesn't just happen in a vacuum. What set him off? What dehumanized him and what is he trying to complete by committing these awful acts? And when that happens, it's also for the children to go, okay, we get it.

Don't wanna perpetuate that. Thank you very much. And sometimes what you will see is the children go, we think we're going to become philanthropists. And they'll reframe it and flip the script. And now all of a sudden they're very pro humanity. They're the ones who coming out to see that humanity succeeds.

So we're quite capable of reframing and flipping the script. Okay. 

Speaker: That's good. So people with mental health are usually put into this group of there is something wrong with you. You can never fix it. And some you can't because

The imbalances in the brain, whatever, right? It can't be cured per se. It could be lessened by having some of the debris [00:14:00] removed. So, trying to have a conversation about something that, it is very touchy subject.

So is that a, meta thing that has come down and now, like this person has all of that effect on them, or is that just the DNA type thing? 

Speaker 2: That is your family system. In other words, your systemic emotional DNA usually. And something has gone wrong. There's been an event that's triggered a reaction and a set of thoughts, feelings, and actions that have now become a mindset which has become a pattern.

Pattern has become the truth only. It's not really the truth, it's just your truth. So is that fixable? It's, I think, at least understandable. And then for future generations, it's, that was yours, not mine. And I have to leave that with you. We do not have to pick up the baggage, especially not the garbage and run with it.

But what you do want to do is [00:15:00] understand what, why that pattern is formed, why that emotional DNA is formed and what the pattern is trying to say to you, because it's trying to get your attention. Once it's got your attention, how do you then retire it and set it down? 

Speaker: Are there any topics that you wanted to go over that we haven't gotten to yet?

Speaker 2: What else could I think something that's really important for people to know is that we have a full language, but we usually address only half a language. In fact, let's start with a half a language. We are raised in the world to believe that we're limited, not smart, broken, any other of all of those that you can imagine.

So that's what we think about ourselves. Religion tells us that. Parents tell us that. Guardians tell us that. Teachers tell us that because that's what they grew up with too. So that's one half. But there is another language out there which says, of course you're [00:16:00] capable. Yes you can. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

And we haven't taught ourselves to speak that. Now we can have all the good intentions in the world, but if the subconscious is stronger, it's gonna pull us down again. And if the systemic conscience, which is your subconscious related to your family, if that's also a program negatively, it'll pull you down.

You, however, can very consciously start to rewire that thought by thought, by feeling, by action. It is extremely doable, and you could pull yourself out of where you're stuck and into where you want to be. And I think that's incredibly important for people to know. That's number one.

Number two, transformation isn't for the chosen few. That's rubbish. Transformation is for those who choose it. That's accurate. So you want to transform. There is absolutely nothing stopping you. And you do that one new thought, one new [00:17:00] feeling, one new action at a time consciously until you can embed it in your subconscious and that becomes your new reality.

So we really are a product of multi-generation and our multi-generational, emotional DNA and our agreement to it. What we want to do is start agreeing to what we want, not what we think we've been settled with. 

Speaker: Thank you for that. I think we're gonna switch over to the mental health side and I think that your point number one is going to serve us well here because as you said, it takes it's step by step.

It's one thing at a time that helps you come out of it. If you end up looking at any of my other podcasts, I have talked about the fact that my brain shattered with some things that I went through back in 2000. 10 ish area and, it was very hard [00:18:00] for me to come back from that. But I have done it day by day, minute, sometimes minute by minute or second by second.

And what I want to point out today is that people can help you come out of it. They can't do it for you, but they can give you little nuggets that helped you. So for me, my mother was not one of those people who was gonna like say, oh yes, you did a good job. She's gonna find a way to say something. You did suck.

Totally. You totally screwed it up. Right? So when I do new things, I have that whole fear of, oh, somebody's gonna think this sucks, or it doesn't look good enough, so I can't do that thing. So what I recommend is having a friend, partner. Favorite person who can give you that positive feedback for you. And it's a little thing.

[00:19:00] Yes. Oh, you were able to get the laundry done today. Thank you so much. That's great. It doesn't have to be like birthday cake in all. Just because you did the laundry, it's just a Thank you. That was great. I appreciate it. Instead of, did you put the colors in the right way? Did you separate everything?

Are you sure you did it right? I'm pretty sure I'm gonna have to rewash all those clothes. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who had that in my bath. And so someone who is dealing with mental health, even, you know, you can kind of see it, but they're keeping it locked down. Like they need those little affirmations that they're doing.

Okay. That they're not too much, that they are wanted because they have been told that they're too much, that they're not wanted, that they're too loud. They don't talk enough. Nope, [00:20:00] you don't talk, you talk too much. You just. Believe me, these, we've heard everything, especially if you've been in, in certain situations.

I think, now I'm not happy, happy go, go. I'm not gonna turn into a cheerleader and be like, oh, you did amazing. That's such a wonderful thing. I'm gonna be like, no, thank you. I couldn't get, I couldn't have done that. Thank you very much for being doing that for me. That's all it takes. You don't have to get that fake, oh, I'm so happy you did that, because that's usually gonna wait, make somebody want to, punch you.

Just saying. Not that I condone violence, but having somebody who can be kind. Around who is calm and kind has done me a world of difference. The person I am now compared to the person I was two years ago [00:21:00] compared to the person I was five years ago, the person I was in 2017 or 2018, you know, a couple months after I met her.

Completely different. My brain came back because I met my friend probably. And she's not a cheerleader either. She's not gonna come behind me and go, oh, you did that so well. Oh my gosh, that's so great. Nobody's doing that. Right? But every once in a while she sees that I've done something.

She will say, oh, thank you. I was gonna do that in a minute, but now I don't have to. Thank you for doing that. Just somebody who acknowledges, yes, you did the thing. They saw that you did the thing and that they appreciate it, and it's not, oh, you did the laundry. Why would you do the laundry? In my case, a lot of it was, why would you cook?

You're bad at cooking. Don't cook.[00:22:00] 

And so now I have a panic attack if I even give an idea for dinner and somebody goes, well, we may not have anything for that. Like, I'm okay. I'm sorry, we don't have to do that. I was just saying hi. I immediately, and like, I am so sorry, I didn't mean to bother you type deal. And it's not that I go, oh, I get to be a crybaby right now, because that's not even how it works.

Right. When it's that fast, that person doesn't have time to do the whole, oh, I'm gonna be up. Pain in the neck right now, but like literally, I was having a panic attack because I had given a suggestion. I gave two suggestions for dinner. One they didn't have the food for, and one somebody else doesn't like the thing I like.

So I was just like, I'm sorry, you don't have to do what I said. You can do something else, and I'm so sorry. And then I had to leave because I was getting too anxious in a situation where I didn't need to be anxious at all. Nobody cared. Right. They were just trying to figure out what was for [00:23:00] dinner. I wasn't even gonna kick cook it, which would've caused even more anxiety to be completely honest.

But my friend knows me enough that she was just kind of going, do you need to go calm down? You're okay? Like, we're not mad. Just, do you need to go? And I'm like, yep. And I turned around and left. 'cause I was just like, I can't do this anymore. I'm gonna have a heart failure. And it's for, and it's simple things Sometimes,

military police type thing, and then trauma. Those are your two people who are like, I've got my back to the wall.

I'm watching everything going on. I get really spastic if I walk into a room and I can't go stand on a wall because of something being in the way to, protect myself. 

Mean, and it's a church event or it's a whatever event. It's fine. I mean, again, these are responses and sometimes, okay.

You're not gonna get somebody who [00:24:00] is, who has trauma, or anybody who has been in the military and has trauma from that, you're not gonna get them to go into the middle of the room and pay attention to only you. It's not gonna happen in the middle of the room. I am absolutely terrified. Somebody's gonna come up in a direction that I don't know and grab at me, and so is that military person, and it could end up badly for the person who innocently comes up and tap somebody on the shoulder.

Everybody in the brother needs to learn. You can't just go up behind somebody completely, not in their line of vision and touch them. You are gonna get smacked or punched in the face that way, and not in a way that is meant right. Some people have reflexes that come about when they're touched unexpectedly, and I'm guaranteeing you at that military dude as a marine.

And [00:25:00] has actual experience in combat and you touch him first without his permission and two, without him seeing you, you're gonna be looking up at the ceiling in a minute. And it's not because he said, oh, I'm gonna punch somebody today.

That makes sense. Being kind, no matter who you are, even if you don't know who people are, stop touching people. Do you realize that the more you touch people, the more you make them sick? Okay. If you have had any kind of cold recently and you go and you touch somebody, you could give them whatever that was 

Speaker 2: right?

Speaker: It's intrusive and it smells bad, but the point is you don't know who anybody is. You don't know that smiling cashier might've been, might be going through some of the most awful things. [00:26:00] Admittedly, there's like one cashier in entire places at this point, but bear with me. The person in front of you in line might, be going next to the hospital to visit a relative who is passing away.

There are a lot of circumstances in life that you know nothing about. Being kind is not especially hard. Some days for me it's hard 'cause like headaches and all that. And I'm just like, okay, you have to get out of my way. But kindness is a thing that I think we've forgotten. I think we hear in the news about 

Speaker 2: yeah. To bring it back. 

Speaker: Yeah. We hear about people. Having money, doing stupid stuff with that money and, oh, but I'm poor here. I'm so sorry that John Doe has more money than you, but that doesn't mean you can do [00:27:00] anything about it. It's his money. He did whatever he did to get it. Even if that was just be born to the right people.

Sure. I'm sorry you didn't have that opportunity, but that doesn't mean you get a say because as soon as you try to have a say in, John doe's money, somebody's gonna have a say in your money. Right? And nobody wants that. No, they really 

so I think we just. We need to bring kindness back. We need to think be before we speak.

We need to make sure that we are not pushing the person down near us. We don't need to be Karen's when we go outside and start screaming and cussing at people. We can get through things. I know I can get mouthy if I'm in line. I have said that before, but I also haven't been stuck in line in a long time, so I've been doing great.

Speaker 3: Yeah. 

Speaker: But there are ways to be kind and [00:28:00] everybody deserves to experience somebody saying, Hey, I like your shirt today. Your shoes look beautiful. I totally couldn't wear 'em. So kudos to you. I see people in high heels all the time and I'll be like, Ooh, you got some good shoes.

But I'd break my leg and they get a little laugh out of it. Right? Because of course you can picture me in six foot heels. I'm dying. We're done. 

Speaker 2: Absolutely. 

Speaker: So be kind, compliment somebody. If somebody does look upset, definitely compliment them. Say, Hey, you have a nice shirt on today. I'm so glad that you wore that.

Right. I hope your day gets better. 

Speaker 2: You know, it's a kind thing to do. 

Speaker: Yeah. If you see somebody struggling with, parking lot, if you walk from the back of the parking lot to the front, you'll see handicapped people trying [00:29:00] to put their groceries in their car and they're struggling with it because ta-da, they're handicapped, and if you're not and you have an extra minute, you should stop and help them.

They appreciate that. Right. I've done that before. Random acts of kindness used to be a thing that happened and then you just tell the person, you pass it on when you can. Exactly. And we don't see that as much anymore. And if I've done something and I'm proud of myself for doing it, if I have nobody that is going to be like, Hey, you did a good job.

I'm kind of gonna get a little deflated, like, why did I just do all that when nobody cares? 

Speaker 2: Well, you care though as well. Yeah. And I think that's important. So if there's nobody there 

Speaker: And call a friend and tell a friend. Like communicate. [00:30:00] We all need to communicate. So I think today was just, I think you had a great, topic with ancestry and I think mainly what I talked, what I tried to talk about, I'm not sure if I hit all my points, was just being kind to people with mental health illnesses. Sure. But who, like I don't look like I have a mental health illness on the outside when I'm just standing somewhere. So, just be kind to everybody.

You don't know what demons are in their head that they're fighting. 

Speaker 2: Absolutely. 

Speaker: Do you have any, final thoughts? I think your kindness is bang on. I think it's really important and I think people need to know as well when there isn't somebody there to say, good job. There's nothing wrong with you telling yourself good job.

Sometimes we need to be our own best cheerleaders.

Speaker 2: Okay? Sometimes we need [00:31:00] to be our own best. Inspires. 

Speaker: Cheerleaders are fine. They do work hard being cheerleaders, but like, I don't like football or basketball, which is the two things they cheer at and they scream at the top of their lungs, which tends to make my ears hurt, not a fan.

So it's not actually the people, it's the. Circumstances. There we go. Perfect. I don't want some cheerleader coming at me 'cause I said I didn't like cheerleaders.